No I have not quit!

Ben, our illustrious MTC (Mississippi Teacher Corps) coordinator, pointed out that it had been quite some time since I had blogged. I reminded him that we have only had two weekends off from class this semester and one of those I spent in Vicksburg for some stupid MAMLE conference (for middle schools). Last weekend was my only weekend off in over a month and I spent it mainly sleeping, so my point is that I have really not had a lot of time to blog. The free time I have had, has been spent attempting to grade papers, attempting to catch up on sleep, and attempting to work on my marriage (most people don’t realize that marriage is not a state of being but a process). Blogging has been at the bottom of my list priority wise. However, Ben pointed out that the title of my last blog was “When is Enough?” and that was on January 19^th so people might have thought I really had enough and finally quit! Not hardly (which is actually a double negative technically, but in this case conveys the meaning that I have not quit).

Taxman

Today I did our taxes and discovered that if I filed my usual 1040EZ then James and I would owe the United States Government over $1,500. Upon closer inspection of our W-2s we noticed that James had three exemptions. Because of this, only half as much was deducted from his check as mine, despite the fact that he made almost twice as much as I did! He thinks he claimed me as a dependent, but he has no idea what the other exemptions are about. It only took 20 minutes to fill out the 1040EZ form, but after seeing how much we owed we decided to fill out a standard 1040 so we could deduct some things and hopefully get out of paying so much. We bought TurboTax, which was tax deductible, and spent the day rummaging through the file cabinet and boxes looking for receipts. Luckily, moving expenses, $250 of crap I bought for my classroom and spent on my students brought us down to $931, but money spent to charitable organizations didn’t bring us down at all. This sort of makes me mad, as I am sure I could spend my money on better things than the government does. It is always easier to spend other peoples’ money than your own! However, it was curious that overall (State and Federal) we only paid about what it costs to educate one child in the state of Mississippi. I wonder where they get all the money for education from, no wonder they are in such a bind. I was upset to discover this weekend in Dr. Mullins’ class that over one-third of our state’s general fund comes from the 7% state sales tax and another third of the general fund comes from state income tax. This means ordinary employed, tax-paying citizens are contributing most of the money in the general fund, 70% not counting road taxes, licenses and fees. I guess I always assumed that business and casinos contributed more (Casinos only contribute 5% of the general fund). Fortunately Microsoft Excel told us that we can pay the full amount by the end of March and still have James’s school paid off by the end of April. Engineers love Excel, and yes, maybe I am a little bit jealous. However, I too am learning how to use Excel, thanks to Dr. Don’s class and so before to long I might be as proficient in it as James!

Testing, Testing 1,2,3…

In my school’s infinite wisdom they decided to place two first year teachers in charge of 7^th grade language arts, which means Evy and I are responsible for 3 state tests: a Writing Assessment on March 9^th, and a Reading Assessment and Language Assessment around the first week of May. I am really proud of how far my students’ writing skills have progressed since our first formal writing unit in the middle of October, but because of my students limited vocabulary I am worried that they will not understand the writing prompt. If they write off topic they automatically receive a zero! We have practiced addressing many prompts, and while they generally do well, I am often astounded at the prompts they misinterpret because they do not understand words like possessions, qualities, skills, product, etc. It is hard enough to teach seventh graders for 90 minutes every day, when their other classes (except math) are only 45 minutes long, but it is even harder when I am making them write for the entire 90 minutes. I try to break it up by writing as a class on the white boards (which I bought) with the dry erase markers (that I also bought—I am just a little bit upset that I spend so much on my job and only $250 of it is tax deductible), and by going to the computer lab and working on writing skills on a online program that our school subscribes to called MySkills Tutor. My students are impressed with my dedication to them, my writing ability, my reading speed and ability, my belief in them and my high expectations of them. As a result, I am having less discipline problems, but there are still bad days. One Friday was particularly hard because the math teacher left early and so the Social Studies teacher and the Career Discovery teacher let their kids and the math teacher’s kids go outside and play with the PE kids during 7^th and 8^th period. My kids were supposed to be working on writing because of our upcoming test on March 9^th, but they were so upset that “everyone else” was playing right outside our windows. My kids don’t understand why I don’t give them free days on Fridays and many of them don’t understand why I hold them to such high expectations.

Break on Through to the Other Side

I have had several break throughs here lately. Since we have started using MySkills Tutor they seem to enjoy learning much more than they did when I lectured out of an English book. I was glad to see them excited about learning, but beginning to feel like the program was doing a better job than I do. However, when my students come across words or concepts that they don’t understand they raise their hands and I try to explain it to them. Despite the three weeks we spent on modifiers, some of my students have no clue what a modifier is (or what a noun or pronoun is). I was beginning to wonder how these kids were ever going to pass the state tests when they can’t identify a pronoun in a sentence. I was very frustrated about this, when one of my low achievers raised his hand. I went over to help him and he said he didn’t understand dangling modifiers. As I started the standard lecture I had given the 13 other students so far who had asked the same question, he interrupted me and said, no, I understand what I modifier is, I just don’t understand what dangling means. He then proceeded to not only regurgitate all of my definitions of what modifiers are that I gave them the first 9 weeks and how to identify them and what they are used for, but he could successfully identify them in the sentences. After I explained what a dangling modifier was, he thanked me and said that I really knew how to break it all down. He then retook the practice lesson and made a 100 on it. This kid came to me from the 5^th grade, he is currently not passing my class (because he won’t do his work), he is definitely the last student that I would expect to have made me feel like a successful teacher. It was truly a remarkable moment in my teaching career.

As I stated earlier, I have also noticed some improvement in their writing. My heart swells with pride as I see some of them taking pride and enjoying their writing. Some of them have really grown under the encouragement I have given them, they are not used to being held to high standards and they are not used to having people believe in them. My homeroom has made tremendous progress toward their reading goals this 9weeks. For the first time all year, 3 of my students are already above their goal and all but 2 of my students are within range. This is about 300 times better than last semester. My kids are starting to believe in their own abilities and I hope this is something that won’t wear off when they leave me. I have had several teachable moments this 9 weeks for which I am grateful, however some students seem to be slipping farther away from my grasp. I have lost several students to expulsion, and while on one had I am glad that they are no longer disturbing me or the students that are trying to learn, I can’t help but wonder if I did everything I could have to help them.

A wake-up call

Despite the criminal records, associations and activities of some of my students, I naively have felt relatively safe. I have been pushed and cussed out, and all sorts of things, but I always try to remember that they are just children and I am an adult. I am normally pretty fearless and so I thought I was pretty safe. However last week I discovered that one of my students brought a gun to school. They did not discover that he had the gun until after he had already been in my homeroom. This particular young man is on papers, which means he has been arrested before (in his case for armed robbery) and is now on parole. However, nothing will happen to him because he managed to pass the gun off to one of Evy’s students who then went home early. He however, has not denied bringing it to school. The PE coach who called the cops on the boy was chewed out by the principal, because it was bad publicity for the school. This particular student (I hesitate to call him a child) is almost 16, and wrote and essay in my class about getting shot when he was 11 by some rival gang members. When I asked him about his essay he proudly showed me the scar. I asked him if he was scared, he said at the time yes, but now he is not afraid of anything. You can tell by the look in his eyes that this is true. However, strangely I am not scared that he had a gun in my room. In a weird way he respects me. Some students are behavioral anomalies in the way that they will actually behave in my room and act up in everyone else’s rooms. Most students will behave in the male teacher’s room because he lets them do whatever they want and they will behave in the science teacher’s room because they identify with her and she is physically and verbally abusive when they don’t. Most students tend to cause problems in the math teacher’s room and in my room. The students actually cause less trouble in the math teacher’s room because she does not keep detention and she is pretty lenient on behavior. When they get to my room I expect more out of them and I have stricter rules, so as a result I tend to also have more behavior problems. Plus, I am young and white so they see this as two reasons to try me. The funny thing is that because I have been enforcing my rules all year long I am actually starting to have less discipline problems than the other teachers on my team, which is nice for a change. Anyway, this over-aged student who brought the gun to my class, only does his work in my room. He has a 100 average for his reading grade and he completes his work in my room. I attribute this partially to the fact that I praise every single positive thing he does and because I give him candy when he makes 100s. It is just strange the kids I am able to reach and the kids that I am not able to reach. At the beginning of the year I would have never thought he would have been one of the students I was able to reach, but now it appears I am the only teacher this year he has that might have a chance to reach him. While it is unsettling that a student could bring a gun to school and go unnoticed for so long—you can’t live in fear of death, it comes to us all eventually. I will not back down, just because some people might not like me. I said in the beginning that if I could reach even one of them it would be worth it, I am now beginning to see that it is definitely worth it.

Bittersweet Birthdays

January 28^th would have been my sister Carrie’s 22^nd birthday. It was especially hard on me and has been another reason for my absence in blogging. I remember my 22^nd birthday; it was a month after she died. Every birthday since she died has been hard because I feel like I am leaving her further and further behind. I often think of what she would think of what I am doing now. Occasionally, I still have dreams that she is alive. When I wake up it is like loosing her all over again. Despite the painful discovery of reality upon waking I would rather see her in my dreams and suffer the consequences upon waking, than not see her at all.

This past year I began to feel my biological clock ticking. I am now at the age my father was when I was born, the age my mother-in-law had her first child, and my mother had two children by the time she was my age. My-twenty fourth birthday is fast approaching and I do not want to be thirty and trying to start a family. I want a rather large family, and James feels he is up to the task. James and I have been talking about expanding our family soon, and I hope in my children I might see some of Carrie. I hope that the parts of Carrie that are alive in me are passed down to my children. Perhaps one of my children will have her eyes, or her smile, or her wry humor. Of course, I hope they all look like James too. Then they will all be perfect!

Learning to live together!

With most of my weekends spent on college and most of my weekdays spent on my job, James was beginning to feel neglected and our house was beginning to be a real mess. James expressed unhappiness with the way our house was being kept. I listened to his complaints then realized that I too was unhappy with our arrangement. I used to keep such a clean house, with the exception of my room, which was always cluttered. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t keep this house clean and also why I don’t get as much accomplished now as I used to get accomplished before I met James. When we were talking about requirements for a new house, James expressed a desire to have a room of his very own where he could be clutter free. At first I was hurt, but then I realized that I desired the same thing. As much as I love James, I need my own space. I have ADD, which tends to lead to a different approach to life. James is my opposite in almost everyway and although that is why I am so attracted to him, I am surprised it has not caused more disturbances than it has. He needs at least one room completely clutter free and I need at least one room full of clutter. So in all my infinite wisdom, I decided we have two bedrooms and two bathrooms so we could each have a bedroom and a bathroom in our own fashion. James offered me the bigger room but I wanted to have my own things around me so I chose the spare bedroom. I keep my clothes in my room, my make-up in my room and my boxes of stuffed animals and papers from kindergarten all the way up to now. I can lay my papers on the floor without fear that James will throw them away or step on them. He can retreat into his nice neat room whenever he is overcome by clutter and I have found it easier to keep other areas of the house clean, which makes James happy and before he gets home I don’t wait around like a sick puppy. I can actually go to my own room, like I would have in high school or in early college and get my work done, until he gets home. He can shave and get water everywhere in his bathroom, and I can leave my make-up all over my bathroom! We have never been happier! We do not sleep in separate rooms, which is probably the secret to our success. Of course he has to invite me to his room every night because my room is such a mess!

So, how have I been dealing with all the stress?

Gran McLean says that McLeans like to have their wee moan. I, in addition to my wee moan, like a little wine. James and I recently discovered that you can buy rather decent wine in a box for almost half of the price that you can buy it in the bottle. After casually observing that almost all the crazy people we know either consume too much or too little wine, we have decided that it is a lot healthier than the drugs my colleagues are taking and probably a lot more effective. So have your own wine, and long may we all live!

When is enough?

I remember everyone telling me that it would be easier after Christmas. I am not so sure that is true. I have had a very rough few days and I feel like I might be at my breaking point or very rapidly approaching it. I was really depressed all day Monday, because it dawned on me that my students and I would not have another break until the end of March, almost three months away. My master’s degree program starts back this weekend and I am already so overwhelmed. I am not sure how I will handle everything. Every third thought I have is of quitting and every second thought is guilty from the thought of quitting.
On Thursday I stayed after school until about 6:20 pm. Our school decided that all teachers should be at school so that parents can come and pick up their children’s report cards. I thought it was a good idea. I got to meet a lot of parents that I had talked to on the phone, and it was nice to finally be able to place a name with a face. However, I was surprised at the things you learn when you talk to people face to face that they don’t think about disclosing on the phone. For example, one father who I am have talked to on about 5 occasions about his son’s day dreaming and sleeping told me that his son was placed on seizure medication at a young age that caused slight brain damage. I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me this the first time I talked to him on the phone (or the second, third, fourth or fifth time I talked to him on the phone)! He seemed to assume we knew. The aunt and guardian of one of my student’s was surprised that her niece was doing so poorly in a class that she passed the year before. This was the first time we had ever heard that this particular student had failed the seventh grade. Once again the aunt assumed we knew. When we questioned her about it, she said that the school her niece attended last year forwarded her transcript to our school before we enrolled her. I am constantly amazed at the incompetence of my school!
I have also experienced a lot of disappointment in the past few days. I have been really trying to stay on top of my at risk students to keep them from being able to mess up yet another nine weeks. Several of them were showing promise and were actually making an effort. Their parents even promised me that things would be different this time. I guess I just wanted to believe them. Perhaps I am just too idealistic sometimes. Despite my personal experiences to the contrary, I guess I hoped that if you care about someone enough and if you are determined enough, you can impose your will on another person. However, several of them have been suspended for fighting in the past few days (one girl for nine days) and I am worried that they will not come back with the same renewed enthusiasm as they started the nine weeks with, and that even if they do they will not be able to catch up with everyone else.
Today was a 60% day. My students think that is unfair that they should have to do any work on a 60% day (or a Friday, or a four day week, etc.), so it was a constant battle to keep them on task. At 1:50 pm when my last bus student left I felt like I had put in a full day, not sixty percent of one. When I arrived at 1:57 pm at my district meeting for teachers of secondary English, the teacher whose room the meeting is held in (at our rival middle school) made a snide remark about the meeting starting at 2:00 pm. I smiled, looked around the room and then explained to her that our buses were running late and I would get written up if I just left my students alone. I then pointed to her clock and remarked that not only was I three minutes early, but I was the first one there from the schools on the other side of town. The meeting was a total waste of time. We had a speaker on something that pertained only to high schools. Then, since our chairperson and co-chairpersons never showed up to the meeting with our meeting agenda, we sat around and talked until time to leave.
I was informed at the above-mentioned meeting, by my Teacher Corps colleague, that our principal had told her that a former Language Arts teacher (she retired last year) was coming to school sometime tomorrow to talk to us about teaching writing. My friend then made a comment that I had been teaching writing. My principal replied something to the extent that I was not teaching writing correctly. This infuriated me. NO! I am not perfect. I take constructive criticism well. However, I do not take my supervisor discussing her opinion of my job performance with another teacher when she has not been willing to discuss it with me first. She still has not provided me with any feedback from any of her official or unofficial visits, and yet we have already scheduled our second round of official visits for the 2nd of February. I don’t know how she thinks I am doing (apart from the remark she made to my colleague). I don’t know what I need to work on or fix before her next observation. Did I mention that I made an ‘A’ on my classroom observation for the Teacher Corps and that the consultant was surprised to learn I was a first year teacher. Sure I have had advice, but no real criticism. My first instinct was to go straight back to the school and discuss the issue with the principal. I decided to wait, because I know that when I let my initial anger cool down, so that I am calm and collected (but still simmering), I am a much more formidable person to deal with. I dropped a bee in the bonnet of a teacher who is close to our principal, that I knew what she had said and was very upset with her about it. After talking to this teacher I also decided that I would wait and see what the former English teacher says about my attempts at teaching writing tomorrow before approaching my principal. I figure if I win over the veteran teacher, then our principal won’t have a leg left to stand on. I am still very angry. When I cool down to a simmer I might not take as drastic measures as I now plan, but measures will be taken!
The consultant was more helpful than I thought!
A few months ago the consultant that was visiting our school decided it would be helpful to me and my colleague if she taught one of my colleague’s classes while we observed. I was appreciative at first, as I have not had the opportunity to observe any 7th grade Language Arts classes since summer school. When I observed her 90-minute lesson, I was more relieved than enlightened. First of all, we aren’t supposed to teach Language Arts for 90 minutes—we are supposed to teach Language Arts for 45 minutes and Learning Strategies for 45 minutes. Her 90-minute lesson was just a compressed, less detailed version of a four-day (45 minutes each day) lesson I had already taught. She had the same problems with student behavior and attention spans that I have. She exhibited cultural ignorance on at least on occasion, which she warned us not to do, and she made two technical mistakes in a very crucial part of her lesson showing that she apparently was not as familiar with her material as she should be (as a former English teacher). The fact that she could make two such mistakes (and that I was able to catch them) made me realize for the first time that if she was not perfect, even though she was not only a veteran teacher, but also a well-paid consultant, then I could not be expected to be perfect either. She even showed frustration when students asked the same question 15 times when the answer was written plainly on the board. She also didn’t seem to find time for the positive encouragement she asked me to implement on one of her previous visits. I did, in fact, implement the positive encouragement, but quickly abandoned it. She suggested instead of saying “John, get out your paper and pencil” or “John, where is your paper and pencil”; that I instead say “Jane, I like the way you got out your paper and pencil without being asked.” Maybe this sounds good in theory, but when I tried it the other students all got upset when I didn’t thank each and every one of them for getting out their supplies, whenever they decided to do so (which wasn’t always in the timely fashion I desired). Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think I should have to thank someone for doing something that they are supposed to do; it presents a very unrealistic approach to life. You don’t get thanked for following the laws of the land; they just put you in jail when you don’t! I consider it one of my jobs to try and prepare my students for life, and I definitely don’t want to do anything that adds to their sense of entitlement. This was the day that I decided to quit beating myself up because I am not the best teacher in the world.
After accepting that everything that happens or doesn’t happen in my classroom is not my fault, I started trying to identify other factors that might influence what goes on (and doesn’t go on) in the partially enclosed space I tend to refer to as my room. There are several factors that I belief are negatively impacting my students (that I have no control over). The first and most prevalent is a lack of discipline. I do not believe that students can develop self-discipline if they have not been previously exposed to discipline of any sort. Most of my students do not receive any discipline (or good examples of self-discipline) at home and our school is not a very disciplined environment, yet we expect these children to develop the self-discipline they will need to make it in the real world. We feed them a hot meal for lunch because many of them do not get a hot meal at any other time. Yet we neglect providing them with many of the things that they need to be successful, even thought we know they probably not receiving these things at home either. The sad thing is there does not seem to be a real reason for this neglect on our part—I mean instilling discipline cannot be as expensive as the hot meals they are provided with everyday. I honesty think they would be better off in the long run if we fed them sandwiches every day and worked harder to instill in them a sense of discipline, value and respect. As I have stated before, I work at a school that places more emphasis dress code violations (some of which are not even spelled out in the handbook, like whether or not the boy have their shirts tucked in), than academic success or any other disciplinary infractions. I just cannot figure out how everyone’s priorities have become so confused?
The missing link.
Lately, I have assumed that if my kids had parents then maybe they would behave better. I suddenly remembered that public schools were originally set up for parentless children (if I remember correctly), and children with wealthy or well-meaning parents were tutored at home. So, if schools worked without parents in the past, why can’t they do so now? Parents can’t be the only thing wrong in this equation
Future or Futility
I am not sure I was cut out to be a teacher. I completely identify with the metaphor of a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I have not read a newspaper in two months, because I don’t trust myself not to turn straight to the classifieds. So, why am I doing this? Eventually I think I will probably go into the public policy formation arena—either through journalism or politics, however I don’t believe you can truly understand an area of life until you have lived it. I try very hard to look at things from every angle and perspective. Not only did I think this program was an excellent opportunity to give back to my state, but a very good way to learn in depth about two of the most important areas of public policy our children (and our future) and our public education system.
So, why haven’t I quit yet? I am not a quitter. I am not so sure that is so noble a reason. I am normally leery of people who stick to something (a job, a mantra, an argument...) just because they aren’t a quitter. I think sometimes people don’t quit because they are afraid of change. I am not afraid of change. Sometimes it is good to quit—like if you quit smoking or something that is bad for you. I guess the distinction lies in whether you quit something good or something bad. Then we have the element of commitment. I signed a contract with my school district for one year and regardless of whether this was a good decision or a bad decision, it is a decision that I have committed to until June. Sometimes you have to take chances in life. Not every decision you make, no matter how good your intentions, will end well. Sometimes you know almost instantly that you made a good decision, and sometimes it takes years to fully realize the effects of your decisions. I do not know the full ramifications of my decision to join the Teacher Corps. I do know that I was disappointed with my placement the moment Dr. Mullins informed me of it. It is not what I expected when I signed on with the program. Things have not gotten any better since my initial disappointment. I just hope that I am not doing all of this in vain, that my perseverance will pay off and someday I will be able to see positive effects of my decision. Right now, I am clinging to the hope that I am doing something positive, and some days—like today—that really is all that keeps me from quitting.

A New Year for new strategies for success!

So that is what that button is for!
I typed this post Friday night, but Saturday, when I went to post in on the Internet, James told me the cable modem was not working and that Monday I should take it back to the cable company. I had cleaned up the house Saturday morning and I had moved the computer stuff around, but I didn’t think about that at the time. Because I keep detention on Monday I told James I would do it Tuesday (today). This morning when I went to disconnect it so I could return it, I noticed this little button switch thing. I pushed it and magically all the little lights came on. So long story short, this is from Friday, but because I am stupid it wasn’t available for the three of you to read until today (Tuesday).
The Dawning of the Age of Aquarius
New year, new start, renewed energy… …but, the same old principal (still no pal o’ mine). However, apparently the new year brought her new strategies in the fight to raise our school’s level from a two to a four. For our first staff development our principal started calling out months and dates and asking us to sit in groups accordingly if our birthday fell between these dates. I covertly said to my MTC colleague (and sometimes cohort) that if she started some sort of astrology crap than I definitely was leaving. However, even I had no idea exactly how far she was going to take it because the heading on the agenda just said, “What we have in common.” After a few hours of reading crap about each of the twelve astrological signs—long detailed signs that talked about everything from what people like to eat for breakfast to what they like to wear to bed (a slight exaggeration). The detailed descriptions where rather long, she handed one to me, which although it was the sign I was born under, I didn’t identify any more or less with than any of the other 11 signs. I was very proud of myself for pronouncing all of my words right, a feat which few if any of the other selected 12 managed to do (I am adding philanthropical and Aries—pronounced areas at my school—to my list of words including incentives, itenary, etc. that teachers at my school are banned from using!). After all of the signs had been read and discussed our principal, a former math and science teacher, told us that intelligence tests and interest inventories are expensive and time consuming to administer and decipher and so maybe we should just look at our students birthdays to truly understand how to help them. And yes, she did actually refer to the age we live in as the Age of Aquarius once. I am still in awe (not from her suggestion, but of the fact that she actually made it to where she is in the first place)!
I pledge allegiance to the flag…
Occasionally, when the moment strikes her, our principal gets on the intercom during our Reading Renaissance program and leads the students in the pledge of allegiance. Sometime she asks other people to lead it. So far the only thing I have learned is that both the principal and the school secretary do not know the entire pledge of allegiance!
R-E-S-P-E-C-T or Rebel Without a Cause
My students have no idea what respect is. They like to throw out these broad statements such as “you have to give respect, to earn respect” and yet they have no idea what respect actually means. For example, if I ask a student to quit talking, they think that I am being disrespectful to them—if I am allowed to talk when I want, then why can’t they. If I give them detention for talking or being disrespectful then they yell at me that I have no right to call them disrespectful because I have done nothing to earn their respect. Many of my students have a horribly disrespectful attitude, but they don’t have anything to back it up. If you look at them wrong or don’t say good morning to them because you were talking to another adult at the time then you are disrespecting them (despite the fact that they interrupted you) and that seems to be enough reason for them to say and do whatever they want. I am getting really tired of this attitude, but I don’t know how to combat it. I am starting to realize more than ever that it isn’t a teacher they need, but parents.
I’ve got the no door blues (and possible lawsuit)
The other teacher at my school who has a room situation like mine—a gaping hole instead of a door and a door exiting from our room to the rear of the building—had a computer keyboard stolen from his room the Friday we left for Christmas break. It was announced during our faculty meeting (after the astrology lesson) that this item had gone missing and that this teacher would be required to pay for the keyboard in question. I had previously told the assistant principal, whom I have a good relationship with, that if anything went missing out of my room, then I will not be held accountable since the district cannot provide me with a door and there are three after school programs that our school host that last until between 6:30 and 8:00 at night. If they think I am going to stay at school every night until 8:00 at night to guard their stuff, when nobody guards my stuff, then they are sadly mistaken. I have bought quite a bit of stuff for my room and much of it has been vandalized, broken or stolen. If they cannot be held accountable for my stuff and cannot reimburse me for my stuff then I am afraid I cannot be expected to do so for them. Most of the stuff that is in my cramped room doesn’t work. Sometimes I think it would be a lot easier if I didn’t have to worry about the stuff that the district placed in my room. The things I let my students use the computer for could be done in the school’s computer lab with a lot less trouble than they become in my room. It is very difficult to effectively manage a class of active 7th grades and carefully supervise three students on the computers at the same time. My students don’t all know how to use computers very well, although they have demonstrated a tremendous talent for downloading viruses, and breaking things on the computers. It is a huge disruption for me to have to go log a student on to the computer (three passwords—the computer technician added them because I do not have a door to prevent students from playing around on them after I leave the building) so they can take an Accelerated Reading test during my learning strategies class while I am supposed to be helping 21 other students do other things. Yes, I think my classroom, class and, indeed, my life would be a lot easier if they would relieve me of my precious technology (previous hand picked savior for our children as deemed by our principal, before her horoscope told her otherwise of course) before on of my students’ attempts to.
Africa: country, county or continent?
I somehow became responsible for our team’s interdisciplinary unit. While the word team does not seem to have any ‘I’s in it, it apparently has a lot of ‘U’s, as in you do this, and you do this, etc. An interdisciplinary unit, for those of you who are not familiar with the concept, is a group of lessons on one topic or theme that our principal mandates each teacher find an aspect of to teach on the same selected days (normally scheduled around times when visitors are expected in the building). We are required to decorate our rooms, to make our principal look good, and our students just love the whole experience. In fact, when they found out we were starting on ours this week the groans actually drowned out the noise from the class next door for a few seconds. This will be our third such unit and each of the last two times at least one student (who didn’t apparently understand what an interdisciplinary unit was) complained about having to learn about the same old boring stuff four times in the same day. The decorations outside my lack of a door lasted a whole 30-minutes before someone defaced them. I really don’t like doing things just for show and especially hate having to repeat something that has already proved ineffective. Sorry for the digression, but anyway, once again I was singled out to come up with the theme for our team’s interdisciplinary unit. Since our math teacher is currently teaching a unit on geometry, I decided we could do “Around the World in Eight Days”. No it is not a typo. Although our students have exhibited a stubborn ignorance of other countries and cultures, none of us want to spend 88 days trying to convince them that Mexico is not the same thing (or anywhere close) as the South American continent. Today I gave them a brief overview of the seven continents and regions of the world so that they could make a more educated selection of which "county" (also not a typo) to do their report on. This brought us to the argument that Africa is a continent, not a country and that there is a difference between the word county and the word country. Even after my brief geography lesson, when I passed around a list of the countries they could choose from (any of 192 except the USA) students kept raising their hand and asking me why Africa and Europe weren’t on the list. Oh well, at least they are learning something about Social Studies for once. I learned today through a conversation over lunch with one of my students that in Social Studies that day they were playing tug of war and basketball to demonstrate their knowledge of teamwork.
Parents are a scream
Starting with the first day back, so far I have had to call parents almost every night about their student’s behavior. You never know who’s phone number you are calling (aunt, mother, grandmother) or what their name is and many times you get an answering machine or voice mail service. If I have to leave a message then I always start off with my name, the name of the school I work at, and the name of the student I am calling about. Apparently, in response to one of these calls I had a very irate woman call me on my drive home one afternoon. I could barely understand a word she was saying. I told her I was driving home and advised her that I would call her back when I reached home. She started yelling that I had called her number and she wanted to know why and she wanted to know now! I politely asked her the name of her student and she listed three different names (first names only). The only name she said that belonged to one of my students actually belonged to two of my students, so I asked the women the girl’s last name. She actually had to think about her own daughter’s last name—there was like a full minute pause (but then again, when you have three students in the seventh grade!?!). I told her why I had called her cell phone and she calmed down when she found out I was just notifying her of her daughter’s detention. Then, without hanging up or closing the conversation, she starts yelling at somebody. At first I thought she was yelling at me, but after a while it was obvious that she was yelling at one of her children. I stayed on the line, thinking she might return to our conversation. Eventually, I just hung up—hoping I could blame it on poor cell phone coverage if she called up. I just can’t imagine treating a child like that or having a parent like that.

Our Christmas Tree 

The Ice-Skating Rink that opened infront of our house for three days! 

So this is Christmas...

It is strange that this time last year James and I were in Scotland spending Christmas with Mum, Dad, Gran and Granpa. Even though it is Christmas Eve night, officially it is now Christmas Day in Scotland! How much has happened in a year and yet how quickly it has gone by. I guess that is what happens as you get older—since time is relative in the sense that a year moves more quickly for someone who has lived through 23 of them than it does for someone who has only lived ten or fourteen years—time seems to speed up the older you get. When you are a child you don’t have as many responsibilities or things to try and cram into 24 hours a day. Also, as a child I don’t remember as many things changing every year as have changed in my life the past few years.
I guess not all the changes have been bad. I met James, and that along with the whole falling in love and getting married bit, has possibly been the best thing that has ever happened to me. However, I also lost Carrie and just like I am still marveling at the fact that I found someone as wonderful as James, I am still suffering from loss of someone as wonderful as Carrie. Christmas is really hard this year. I guess the change of pace of being in Scotland last year helped distract me more than I realized. I have been crying on and off all day today. I don’t know how I will make it through tomorrow being around James’ family. I remember even before Carrie died, I cried the first Christmas I spent with James’ family because I missed being with Mum and Daddy and Carrie. I had to go outside so that no one would notice until I could compose myself. I don’t like crying in front of others, and I don’t think most people would understand. Luckily James’ family changed up their plans so James and I will get to spend Christmas evening with my parents.
Another positive change was going to college where I had many wonderful opportunities to travel while studying Journalism and International Studies. A wonderful education that I have not used since I took my final exams. I am currently teaching seventh grade English even though I have only had 12 hours of English classes in College. Journalism is not English and I have always had serious disagreements with quite a few “traditional’ American grammar rules. That was one reason I felt at home with Journalism, it broke most of the rules and just made up new ones. Now I am in a job where the rules aren’t clear and because I am now in a role model position I am definitely not allowed to break them. So when my students do things that I do not think are wrong, but the school sees as wrong, I must punish the students. I also am not allowed to say what I really think and feel in front of my students. If my students do or say something really funny, I am not allowed to laugh at the risk of hurting someone’s self esteem. I feel restricted, exactly the opposite of how I felt as a journalist.
So in addition to having one degree already that I do not use, I am afraid I am in the process of earning another one that I am not sure if I will actually use after these two years are up. I do take consolation in the fact that the pursuit of knowledge is not an end in itself and that even if I do not use the knowledge that I attain in any sort of professional manner it will help me to become a better person. Yeah, well, in theory anyway. I want to go to law school next, but I am really starting to wonder if it would be yet another degree that I will not use. When will I ever figure out what I want to be when I grow up? At 23, I feel mostly grown up and I definitely feel that I should know what I want to do.
So what will this next year hold? What changes will come and what will remain the same? James only has 7 hours of school left before he graduates this May with his Bachelor of Science in Mechanical Engineering (YEAH!!!). Soon he will be making about twice as much as I do now! Both of us are hoping to find jobs and moving to the Tupelo area (closer to my parents, about the same distance from his) this summer. I hope to find a job teaching HIGH SCHOOL (not seventh grade) and hopefully Social Studies instead of English. If everything goes as planned—although it never does—than this time next year maybe we will have even more positive changes occur in out lives. I realize that unfortunate changes are inevitable in everyone’s lives but I do hope that they will be few and far between for James and I and for you all. Have a merry Christmas and a truly happy New Year.
PS It is rumored that we are supposed to have a new principal when we get back to school on January 3rd. More details as events warrant.

Holiday Highlights

Number of days of school left before Christmas break—one and three fifths (Friday is a 60% day)
Number of students who took an exam today—nineteen (I had a lot of absences)
Number of nineteen students who passed—six (grades ranged from an 80 to a 34)
Number of days I spent going over the exact test questions—three
Number of students that have yet to take their tests—forty-four
Number of students who received failing grades of their progress reports—50 (of 63)
Number of students who scored above a 70% on their 6th grade MCT—three
Number of students my school expects me to prepare to pass the 7th grade MCT—63
Number of school districts I will be applying to over Christmas break—12
Number of months before this school year is over—five and a half
Number of students who have thanked me—six
Number of things thrown at me this semester—too many to count (calculator, pencils, erasers, paper wads)
Number of times I have been shoved—twice
Number of times I have been scratched—once
Number of times I have been called names including racial slurs—too many to count
Number of times I have questioned what I am doing—a billion
Number of days of school left before Christmas break—one and three fifths (Friday is a 60% day)

I know that it has been a long time since I have blogged, but I have discovered that the only real way to cope is to just not think about school unless I am there (and even then sometimes it helps to try and think about something or somewhere else).
I have been thinking a lot about my future lately and the future of my students. I am definitely not going to be at my school next year and I am not going to feel guilty about it. I love my students, but unless they fail the seventh grade I wouldn’t be responsible for teaching them again next year anyway. I do not like my principal and chances are she will still be there next year. I am tired of driving 45 minutes to job that, for the most part, I do not like and then having to drive another 45 minutes just to get home to my favorite person in the world. So, I have decided to ignore the impossible (or implausible) and focus on the few things I know I can do that will help my students the most. I am still trying to narrow the areas they need help in to a few that I can focus on the next two semesters. I am really curious to see how the MCT scores turn out this year and whether or not our school is taken over by the state. I guess I will have to read about it in the papers, because I definitely won’t be there to find out.
Most people seem to really enjoy going to class on the weekends and being around all of the other Teacher Corps people. I, however, seem get even more depressed on weekends when we have classes. My grades are good, at least that is something to be proud of, but it is hard not to think about school when everyone is talking about it. It is hard to be happy with my lot in life and not be envious when everyone is talking about how things are at their school. It is even worse when people are complaining about something at their school, like the copying machine being broke, when my school doesn’t even have a copy machine!
Now you see why I have not been blogging and why I have been avoiding TC people. No I am not depressed. I love life. I just have to focus on the things that I love in life (and beyond) and remember that as both of my fathers tell me “this too will pass”! Christmas is just around the corner and I couldn’t be happier. The week I had off for Thanksgiving Break felt like the best week of my life. I can only imagine how wonderful two weeks will feel. There is so much I want to do. There are so many books that I want to read. There is so much paper work to complete. There is an L-SAT to study for. There is a teaching position closer to Mom and Dad to try and find for next year. There is cooking and cleaning and Christmas shopping to do. There are Christmas cards to write and cookies to bake for James’s co-workers. Oh, but it never before sounded like so much fun!

my best and brightest 

Frou Frou Lamar Carr 

James' side of the jack-o-lantern 

my jack-o-lantern 

Did ya miss me?

I’m back!!!!!!!!
It has been a really long time since I have blogged, but I will get into the excuses and explanations later. First I will catch everybody up with everything that has happened since I last blogged.
James goes grocery shopping.
Today was a really great day. James and I got to sleep in. When we got up we went to the grocery store together, which is a huge step for James. James doesn’t like going to the grocery store. You wouldn’t think it would be that big of a deal to me but for some reason I always want him to go with me. My dad likes grocery shopping and I always enjoyed going with him. I guess I always thought when I grew up my husband and I would go to the grocery store together. James is so perfect in every other way that I was shocked to learn that he doesn’t like going to the grocery store. He says when he used to go with his sister to the store she would always take 400 hours to decide whether she wanted green or blue Dawn (that is a hyperbole, but my students don’t understand that). So, since James is perfect and always wants me to be happy, he has agreed to start going to the store with me and I have agreed not to ask him questions about what we are buying. We have been to the store several times in the past few weeks and it seems to be a pretty successful compromise!
Janus the jack-o-lantern.
So, anyway we went to the grocery store and picked out a pumpkin to make a jack-o-lantern. It didn’t take us long as we both spotted the perfect one at the same time. Last year we carved two jack-o-lanterns (one each), but the town house we live in now doesn’t have as much covered front door space as our last house, which had a large front porch. The year before that we carved one together, or I guess I should say we attempted to carve one together. James let me clean it out and carve one eye and then he took over because “I didn’t make it look scary enough”. So this year I cleaned it out and we each carved a face on a side of it so it is a two faced jack-o-lantern.
Frou Frou Lamar Carr
A few months ago I used the term frou frou to describe something frilly (a term I picked up from my dad). James had never heard the term and liked it so much he looked for opportunities to use it. One night he jokingly told me that if we have children we should name the first one Frou Frou Lamar Carr. A few weeks later he started asking me if we could get one of those Beta fish (a male Korean fighting fish). Apparently James used to have one, but I was a little surprised that he wanted any kind of pet because James has always been against having anything that adds to our load of responsibility. So about a month ago we went to Wal-Mart and purchased Frou Frou Lamar Carr along with a peace lily for him live in and eat off of and a clear glass vase and some decorative stones. All in all Frou Frou seems happy. He tries to fight me when I change out his water and he likes to hide in the roots when anyone other than James or I approach his vase. He didn’t really like it when I tried to take his picture. He kept swimming to the opposite side of his vase. I don’t like having my picture taken either. James says if we don’t in any way contribute to the eventual death of Frou Frou then maybe we can graduate to a cat or dog and if we handle that okay, maybe eventually children. That is why Meredith isn’t having children, her beta fish (I won’t release his name) committed suicide while she was changing his water. He jumped right out of the vase and down the drain. We’ll see if James and I have any better luck!
Broken computer + broken truck = broke us
This month almost everything that can go wrong has! James’ laptop is still not working right. Last month it suffered from a virus and had to have its’ hard drive reformatted (a la James) but now we think the hard drive is going out. We still can’t figure out why my laptop won’t work with our cable internet (it works fine on dial up but we don’t have dial up here) and we can’t find the printer driver software to put it on my laptop. So we can type things on my computer and save them, but we can’t print them or upload anything to the internet (that is one of my explanations for not blogging). James took it to see if John could fix it and the whole time John had it the stupid thing worked fine. John did a hard drive scan and said it looked fine but it is possible that it is starting to go bad because that is usually the first thing to go on a laptop. James’ truck had a radiator leak or something, and somehow water got into the engine and cracked one of the cylinders (part of the engine for people who don’t understand how cars work). So when your engine cracks that is not a cheap thing to fix, plus we had to pay someone over a hundred dollars just to verify what was wrong with it! While we were contemplating what to do, his parents offered to buy him a new truck as an early graduation present (he has seven more hours of college left before he finishes his BS in Mechanical Engineering—I married a younger man, he is eight months younger than me). So that worked out great but there is still all of the additional expenses involved in getting a new vehicle that you don’t think about, the additional insurance and all the little things add up. I only get paid once a month (James gets paid twice a month), but next week is payday!
The British are coming!
Well, actually, they came and went (another reason I have been too busy to blog, plus since they are half of my audience and they were here to see and hear my life in action I didn’t feel as bad about not blogging). Gran and Granpa arrived at the beginning of the month (October) and left this past Monday. James and I drove over to Fulton to see them (and Mum and Dad) two weekends and then they came over here to see us one Sunday. The Sunday they came over here we met them for lunch in Oxford so that my step great grandmother Aggie, who was up from Natchez visiting her granddaughter, could see my grandparents again. Aggie and my great grandfather (on my fathers side) visited my grandparents (on my mother’s side) in Scotland once, where they live, and my grandparents used to visit my great grandparents in Natchez when they came over to visit me (and Mum, Carrie and Daddy). Since we moved to Fulton, my grandparents have not been back to Natchez and so it has been over ten years since they have seen Aggie.
Stepfamilies:
Aggie is pretty funny. Even though she was at my wedding and has met James several times since the wedding and even one time before she never seems to remember who he is or that I am married. We ate lunch with Aggie, Kathy—one of my grandmother’s half sisters, and Lane—my dad’s half cousin, which would make her my half first cousin once removed. I know this along with her age, her marital status, her sisters' names, ages and marital status. Lane, however, not only admitted at lunch to having no idea how we are all related but also kept asking my Mum how her girls were doing (before I arrived) apparently having no idea that my sister died a year and half ago. Why do so some people even bother to pretend they care? I hate obvious insincerity. Aggie got on to me for not coming to see her in over a year, even though James and I both went to see her in May when we went down for Kati’s high school graduation. So, since she can’t seem to remember when we do visit her I am tempted to not visit her or visit her and make up a bunch of stuff since she won’t remember anyway. All she does when I visit her is talk about her grandchildren anyway. She doesn’t seem to be interested in what I am doing otherwise I think she would at least remember that I am married (she was there) and that his name is James (her husband, my great grandfather’s name was Thomas James so it wouldn’t really be that hard). It is funny how your opinion and ideas about people changes as you both grow older.
All work and no play.
My job seems to be growing increasingly harder instead of the other way around, my principal (who is not pal of mine despite how the word is spelled) keeps heaping stuff on me and my only reward for doing what she asks is the task of helping other people do their stuff and then getting more stuff heaped on me since I am doing what I am asked when I am asked. She never gives me any positive feedback without lacing it with criticism. I was surprised when Ben and Mr. Rowland both told me they thought I was doing a good job this week (after observing my classes). I do not feel successful, I feel horrible, and I don’t think I am doing a good job at all. My students remind me a lot of the stray cat I befriended. They want attention and love but they are scared I am going to lash out at them and hurt them; they also don’t know the proper way to get attention. Then when you do give them attention and they finally trust you enough to get close to you they get too excited and claw or bite you (literally in the case of one of my students who scratched me last week) because they don’t know how to act or how to react. I am torn between a desire to help them and a desire to protect my own self-interest. If a wild animal bites you how many more chances do you give them before you have them put down? I really don’t think I am going to be at my school next year. I honestly believe that I would be happier teaching at the high school level and I know I would be happier teaching Social Studies instead of Language Arts. However, in some strange way I feel guilty about not staying there next year, like I would be quitting on them. I have to remind myself that the students I am teaching now would not be the same ones that I would be teaching next year (unless they fail and then I am not sure I would want to teach them again). I definitely do not want to deal with my principal another year and if she leaves or is fired I am not sure that I would want to be there during a transition. James is not sure if he will have a position at the company he interns at once he graduates in May, and even if he does we are both tired of driving 45 minutes one way to work everyday. If James’ can stay on in Batesville than I might try and find a job closer to Batesville for next year. I am still planning on going to law school after next year and I think I would like to teach high school social studies if for no other reason than to have a varied teaching experience.
Since I compared my students to something I would like to share a metaphor that I feel sums up my principal’s approach to school improvement. My school reminds me of a fat person who orders every diet pill and miracle machine known to man off of the T.V. while sitting on the couch eating cheetos instead of getting off her butt and going for a walk or two. EVY remarked one afternoon that she wonders what the satellite dish behind the school is for (or was used for as it has vines growing on it). I told her it was probably meant to teach the children but was abandoned when it failed to understand what they were saying. We have computer programs to teach them to read, learn math and now they are spending more grant money ordering another program to teach them math in addition to the two we already have. Our math teacher is frustrated because it is overwhelming for her to have to learn all of these programs and keep up with all of the different reports. I have been told that we are supposed to get to the point where we teach without using any books by next year. I really don’t think that I could successfully teach English for 90 minutes everyday without a book of any sort but that explains why the school was so reluctant to give me any books when I requested them this summer and why it took me such a long time to get literature books for the students. God help whoever takes my place next year. I am going to try and help them as much as I can by leaving behind what I do this year and some insights into the way the school works that I was not blessed with.
Teachers do not take their own advice.
It dawned on me during my afternoon class at Ole Miss yesterday for about the billionth time since this summer (another hyperbole) that teachers do not live by their own advice. We were doing poetry explications in class and the general message behind two of the poems was that life is short so what will you do with it. I was expressing my dislike of the last three lines of one of the two problems when one of my peers suggested that I didn’t like the lines because I was scared of facing the fact that life was short and answering the question of what I would do with mine. This really annoyed me because (a) I hate it when people try to put words in my mouth and (b) I am probably more aware of how short life is than she is and I now what I am doing about it (although that was multiple choice it was not MCT format in case you were wondering). Carrie only had 20 years to live. I have already lived three years longer than her and I don’t know how many years I will have. I am determined not to waste a single precious minute of it. That is one reason why I decided to do the Teacher Corps, but it is also the same reason that I will only be teaching for two years. It is not that I don’t like teaching or that I don’t think it is an honorable profession, but there are so many things that I want to do before I die—teaching was just one of them. Besides, does anyone other than me see the irony in a 60 year old women who has lived in the same 60 mile radius for most of her adult life who retired from teaching high school to teach an occasional college class teaching poems about how short life is and how we need to seize each day and live it to the fullest? As a side note the woman who told me maybe I was afraid of the question posed in the poem is about twice my age and I don’t see evidence that her life has been that eventful!
The frustration mounts.
I am sorry if I seem bitter or negative in this blog, it is just that I have grown increasingly more irritable. Little things set me off here lately and although I know that it is a result of the stress I am experiencing but somehow knowing what causes it doesn’t really help, since I don’t know what I can do about it. I spend all of my time either at work, traveling to or from work or working at home. I don’t feel this is fair to James, or me but even with everything I am doing I feel like I am treading water. If I quit even for a second I am afraid I will drown. I promised myself I would not stay late after school every single afternoon this nine weeks, but so far I have managed to leave before 4:30 only twice in two weeks. After Ben visited my school he said that it was probably the most challenging environment he has visited. While this provided me with validation, so that now I know I am not crazy, however it kind of depressed me and has made me wonder how much more I can take before I do go crazy. Maybe next time I will have found my happy place or something and I will have a more positive spin on things. Until then…

Just another Manic Monday (whoa-ah oh)!

I started getting sick Thursday night and when I woke up Friday I felt horrible. Since it isn't unusual to feel horrible at 4:30 am (for me anyway) I didn't realize how sick I actually was until I got to school and the air conditioner was still not working (for the past week and a half it has only worked half of the time). There is nothing worse than having a cold in hot (unair-conditioned weather) or so I thought. Then my first class, noticing I wasn't quite as aware as I normally am, decided to break out in a paper wad fight! This was the first time that (a) I really lost control of my class and (b) that I lost my temper with my class. I am not sure what I said and/or if I screamed it but I am sure it was not nice because they got deathly quiet while I went on a rampage of some sort (the combination of the heat, sleep depravation, mild food depravation, Advil Cold and Sinus and anger is not good). I really feel bad because I have been trying very hard not to loose my temper with them.
Since I didn't feel well enough to drive two hours Friday night and since James had to work Saturday we staid in Clarksdale Friday night. I went to sleep as soon as I got home. I woke up early Saturday morning still sick but feeling 100 times better than I did Friday. I then drove to Oxford for my 8:30 class. My classes seem like they are going to be interesting. It made me feel better to hear how Eric is doing with his middle school administration and students. I do admit that after listening to peoples' stories I am a little bit jealous of those who are teaching high school. They aren't having nearly as many discipline problems as those of us that are teaching middle school. However, I firmly believe that there is a reason for everything and I would not have been placed where I was if there is not a reason or purpose.
I have just quit searching for a purpose in the things I am told to do. Everyday is a crazy day, but I am starting to feel like it is a game I can win even if I have to play by their rules. That is a good feeling! I am trying to hold onto it and let my competitive nature take over. Today, for example, the assistant principal came into my second class and said get your stuff together you need to leave for a staff development meeting that we forgot to tell you about that is already in progress. Thus EVY and myself (somehow being the only two affected by this development), drop everything we are doing and jump in the car to drive to arrive at a meeting about 30 minutes late. The staff development meeting was very beneficial, but I was trying to get my students ready for a unit test on nouns this Friday and showing them their averages so they can get it in gear before this first progress report. So now half of my students are a day behind the others, depending on what happened after I left—which I am assuming isn't much—and their unit test is days away.

Let's hope that everything you need to know you learn in kindergarten.

I think I am teaching kindergarten. I am not really sure, but it definitely feels like kindergarten. Some of my students are a little bit taller than your average kindergartener, but that is the only noticeable difference. This is the third week of school and we are still talking about nouns. We keep switching back and forth between nouns and the rules. My students act like this is their first exposure to both concepts. Evy is going through the exact same situation and is having the exact same problems, so it is at least reassuring to know that I am not alone. This afternoon she and I went through worksheets to send to the district office to get copies for our substitute folder because the assistant principal told me to. She said that Evy and I have been signed up for some English workshop and that we need to have some work for the students to do on the day(s) we will be gone (we have not been notified of when this will be). When I went in the office around four p.m. to turn in the worksheets for copying, the principal chewed me out for doing it. Apparently, if she doesn’t tell me to do something, then I am not supposed to do it. She seemed agitated that the assistant principal had told me about the upcoming workshop. She did admit that she had signed us up, however she never admitted that I did the only reasonable and acceptable thing when you suspect you are going to be absent by providing the substitute with worksheets to give the kids. My principal is definitely hard to read so my general policy is to do my job and stay out of her way. I like my assistant principal, but I worry that I maybe inadvertently getting her in trouble with the principal. Every time my principal asks why I do something and I mention that the assistant principal told me to or advised me to, my principal gets livid and says she is going to talk to her about boundaries, job descriptions, etc. I have noticed that my principal is a lot of talk and no action and so I am hoping that is the case here. However, next time she asks me why I am doing something I am inclined to plea divine inspiration.
Since it has been obvious that I am teaching kindergarten I have been working on posters, visual aids and bribery (candy). When they climb on the furniture I now say, “Now (student’s name) we aren’t little monkeys, we are little boys so lets not climb on Mrs. Carr’s bookshelves.”, instead of, “Now (student’s name) we are all adults so lets act like it.” We will see how this works. Stay tuned for further updates on the situation.
On a sad note, I was notified that I need to prepare some work for one my students because he is in court. I had not personally had any trouble with this particular student and he seemed to be intelligent. I was curious as to why he had not been to my class in four days but since my school doesn’t seem to enforce their attendance policy I wasn’t too concerned. Students seem to come and go as they please and yet they wonder why our school is rated so low—that is definitely a story for another day.James and I had a good visit with mom and dad on yesterday. They brought us food and thought (and food for thought) and complimented me on my coffee making skills. More things happened but they were so relaxing that they escape my memory. They also brought us some happies. Mom brought me a little automated cat (named Max like Marianne’s dog). James wanted to name him Frou Frou Lamar Carr. Since Max came with a name we will just have to save that name for our next pet/child. Max kept me company tonight until James came home from work/college. Today was my baby’s (James’s) first day of his last year of school (we hope). I am very proud of him. He is taking thirteen hours this semester (he only has to take six of them) and then he has six next semester. I have my first weekend back at Ole Miss for some more of classes towards my master’s degree this weekend. This will not be the first day of my last year of school. I have a little bit less than two years left on my master’s and I am already looking into law school. Yes, more school. Why? Because I can! Details will be posted as events warrant.

The fun continues...

So far so good. Evy and I were both surprised that at the end of the second day (Friday) we both felt remarkably unscathed. It is not that I have not had problems--Friday I was shoved by a 16 year old seventh grader that challenged me and then came in my class after me. I was surprised how well I handled it. Their behavior doesn't bother me. In fact it just makes me more determined not to let them get the upper hand. I have seen bad kids, these kids are not bad (yet), but they want me to believe they are bad. I know they aren't bad so I have the upper hand. My students are sufficiently scared of me and that doesn't bother me either. A few of the girls (the smart ones) seem to respect the way I handle the other students and a few of the (little) boys keep trying to come to my class even when they are not scheduled to. It is nice to know that even though I am feared I am not hated by everyone (yet). I was telling James how surprised I was at my ability to be mean (but fair) and feel no remorse. He laughed and said that I shouldn't take it the wrong way but I can be really mean when I want to. At first I wasn't really sure how to take that, but he assures me that it was a compliment. I have actually left both days of school so far with a huge smile on my face. I like all of my students even the bad ones and everything seems to be going great. Everybody talked about how horrible the first day would be and it wasn't bad at all. The fact that everything has gone so well is scary. Now I find myself looking over my shoulder and waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. The most frustrating thing about teaching so far is the administration not the students. To be continued I am sure!
My family.
Because James and I are a family we went to family day for his company on Saturday. They held it at Liberty Land in Memphis. It was a lot of fun. James is perhaps the luckiest person that I know so I knew he would win a door prize. Since I tend to have bad luck I promised not to touch his ticket and he won as I predicted. After we left Liberty Land we went shopping. That was probably a lot more fun for me than for James but he didn't seem to mind to badly. I made sure we alternated stores of interest so he wouldn't get bored. Today we went swimming. We had the whole pool to ourselves which was nice. Then we grilled hamburgers. All day we have relaxed, worked on unpacking and I have been working on stuff for my classes. It has been a great week and I am actually looking forward to my classes this week!

No I am not dead, just dead tired.

Well so much has happened since I last blogged (that sounds disgusting doesn’t it). Today was the first day of school for my students and… …I am still alive. I started moving stuff from our house in Water Valley to our town house in Clarksdale last Thursday (July 29) and we moved our last box into the house this past Monday (Aug. 2). I had to report to my school district on July 29th for new teacher orientation and in service (I even had to go on Saturday). My last day of Teacher Corps (TC) summer classes was July 23 where I found out that the TC person I had grown closest to during the summer had quit the program. I also discovered that another person I did not so well was going to be teaching the same class as I am at the same school as I am (She was previously assigned to one of the high schools in the same town as me—Cleveland—and I was the only TC person that was going to be at my school). Since then she and I have bonded and it has definitely turned out to be a good thing as Martha Stuart would say. I also painted almost every single piece of furniture James and I own. So as you can see I have been really busy over the last two weeks, but in order to paint an accurate picture of what I have been going through I am going to write about each event as if it is the day that it actually happened.

The First Day of School
Despite all of my fears and frustration today went a million times better than I could have ever hoped for. While I still have 32 students in the period right after lunch (and it is a learning strategies class which means they are slow learners or have failed for behavior problems), I did not kill them and I think everything went okay. I left the school at four thirty feeling a lot more confident in my ability as a teacher and with lots of ideas of what to do different tomorrow. I know that the students tend to behave better during those first few days, sort of a honeymoon period before they show their true colors. I have been laying down the law, but it is hard because my school has so many stupid (contradictory and misspelled) rules. Despite my many requests the school saw fit not to give us a copy of the student handbook until the day before school started and we did not receive our class rolls until 3:30 the day before school started. Not that that really matters because the schedules are all messed up and will be changed over the weekend. Until then I have been ordered to teach rule and nothing but rules. I was told that our school was trying to reduce its student teacher ratio and so I should expect between 12 and 20 students per class. In fact twenty-five desks were crammed in my tiny little room and I had discussed the possibility of removing some of them to give me more room. So at 3:30 pm the day before school they decide to tell me that I will have one class that has 32 students in it (that is the legal limit and I am the only one that has that many at a time during any period in my school). Not only to I have to find seven desks but find a way to cram them in my room. As a result Evy and I stayed well after the other teachers trying to get things ready. I was not issued a teacher handbook or a bell schedule (we don’t have bells so I have to know what time to dismiss them) until today during the middle of the morning! Out of everyone at our school I feel that only about 4 people have tried to help me in any way shape or form—that is a little frustrating. But tomorrow is another day!

A cheesy poem I wrote in my head while driving home after spending around 12 hours at school preparing for the next day…

'Twas the Night Before School Starts
And all through the school
Only two teachers were present
Busy writing our rules

We belong to the Teacher Corps
Because we believe
Delta students deserve more
Than they currently receive

You want to teach where?
Our friends and family implore
Do you know what you’re getting into?
Are you really sure?

Where are all the others
The state pays to teach?
At home in their beds?
Or still at the beach?

Do they not care about the students?
Do they not like their career?
Why are they all so bitter,
Negative and without cheer?

Our principal doesn’t like us
But not ‘cause she’s a snob
Last year her TC math teacher
Quit just two days into the job

So right from the start
We have a lot to prove
To our principal and students
And ourselves too


It is all for the children
We constantly say
And hope that will help us
Survive the first day!


The Frustration Mounts
All summer I have wondered why teachers have such a high drop out rate, now I know. Although my students have not arrived in my room yet I do not think that any of them could possibly be as frustrating as other teachers.
A few observations:
1. Teachers/Administrators talk a lot of talk but don’t do a lot of walking if you know what I mean.
2. If the education system was run like a business than most of those involved would be fired.
3. We don’t just have teacher shortage problem, we have a severe good teacher shortage. I am surprised by the amount of teachers at my school who can’t speak proper English and show signs of a poor/mislead education.
4. Teachers like to complain (what am I doing now?).
5. Don’t ask your administrators questions.
6. As a first year teacher you are supposed to know everything but you will not be told any of it even if you ask multiple people multiple times.
7. Anything and everything you are told by anyone is subject to change at anytime!
8. Don’t trust anyone!
9. If I were to run my classroom and/or treat my students the way that I have been treated by my administration they would fire me in a heartbeat.
10. It is impossible for teachers to get along. Most teachers are women. This actually adds fuel to my theory about weddings—when you involve more than one female in anything you are asking for trouble. Men get along with other men. Women get along pretty well with just men (even if it is a love to hate relationship) but women do not like, will not help, and do not work well with other women.
11. In staff development meetings all they do is tell you what not to do (in negative ‘do not’ form) then they send you to your classroom where you have to be sure to post your class rules in the positive---Remain in your seat vs. Do not get out of your seat.
“Oh, the irony!”, as Evy said during one of our countless staff development meetings which never start on time, in which you learn absolutely nothing useful and get chewed out for asking questions such as “can we have a hand book” or “when do we receive class rolls” if we were lucky enough that they actually attempted to answer our questions nine out of ten times their answer would be wrong (and we would later be scolded for acting on the wrong information).

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
I am sick of new teacher orientations, school district orientations, school specific orientations—I could live a very long and happy life without ever attending another orientation (or moving again for that matter). All of the orientations just sort of morph together in my mind after awhile and no matter how interesting they try and make it I have already heard it at some point and time earlier this summer. I had never heard of Harry Wong or Madeline Hunter before this summer but I have been so submerged in the almost cult like attachment that administrators seem to have for them that I think I could write their next books for them.

Our Welcome Party has Arrived
James heard that mosquitoes in Clarksdale were bad but when I got in my car this morning to go to work there were a swarm of mosquitoes waiting on me in my car. I think they must have gotten in while we unpacked. Also when I woke up this morning I had mosquito bites on my neck, arms, foot and even one on my nose (pretty much anything that was not under the covers) so I am guessing some got in the house as well.

Paint it Black
Where are the Rolling Stones when you need them? Probably on some farewell tour somewhere for the fifth or sixth hundredth time. James and I spent four straight days painting most of our furniture black. One day I painted for 11 hours with only about two 25-minute breaks all day. All the hard work was definitely worth it as it really tied in the rest of furniture and looks really good. It was all inspired by my birthday present from James and I will be sure to take pictures once we get everything set up at our new house.

Decisions
Perhaps the only person I feel that I have really connected with this whole summer just quit the program. I am being selfish in missing her because I know that she did what was best for her. I am not mad at her for quitting and I do not really understand the people who are. In the infamous words of Forest Gump, “That’s all I have to say about that.”

Teacher Corps in Review
I am leaving my summer school program and my classmates and embarking into the unknown. I feel scared and all alone. I am not sure how adequate my training has been this summer. For this to be a graduate program so far the classes have been a piece of cake. I have a 4.0 on my first 9 hours in grad school. I didn’t do that good my first semester in college (of course I was taking 21 hours and in an honor program but still I somehow imagined a masters program would be a lot harder than any of that). I think the most helpful experience will probably be the student teaching experience at Oxford Middle School. The least helpful experience will probably be the TEAM experience although the workshop week rivals as a close second. My favorite thing all summer was when Reggie Barnes came and talked to us. A few months from now I might feel differently but for now, that is where I stand!

I Fought the TEAM and the TEAM won.
I feel like I deserve a t-shirt or something. I hate hypocrisy (although I realize we all do it from time to time). If you are going to tell all of us to speak correct English at all times, you should too (this summer we were taught this is called modeling behavior for your students). If you take off points you should explain why and/or if a student makes a mistake you should correct it as soon as possible instead of allowing them to continually make the same mistake and then failing them for it (at least in theory). You should always be consistent especially when grading (I guess unless you are grading other teachers—then apparently it is okay). I think teachers should stop and listen to themselves once and awhile and make sure they practice what they preach!

A huge sigh of relief!

Today was the last day I had to teach in front of the TEAM. The TEAM is comprised of five master teachers. My whole class was broken up into five groups of five or six students. For six days we taught lessons (from a six day lesson plan that we wrote) in front of our mock class (the four or five peers in our group) while one of the TEAM teachers evaluates us. Since there are five TEAM teachers and six days each group teaches in front of one TEAM teachers twice (on the first day and the last day--she is supposed to measure our improvement). I was lucky because my group only had five students so we got done a little earlier than most. I was really nervous about teaching American English Grammar because two of the five TC (Teacher Corps) people in my group have taught English before and my degree is journalism not English. I have practically been relearning American English Grammar to make sure that I can teach it properly. All in all I am pleased with my performance over the six days. It was sort of a strange set up because it was like being in high school or junior high all over again, except that I had to be a teacher for one of the five periods. We rotated teaching positions so I taught first, second, fourth-twice, and last-twice. Every day I had a 9th grade Biology I class, a 7th grade Pre-Algebra class, a German I class, and a senior English class. Then somewhere in the mix I would teach a 7th grade Language Arts lesson. It was strange playing a junior high or high school student one minute and then playing a college educated teacher the next. I was very nervous teaching in front of my peers and the TEAM teacher on the first day, but the fear gradually disappeared and today I wasn't nervous at all. However, all of the preparation was very time consuming and every afternoon I came home exhausted. Now that I have settled into a sort of routine and I am not getting worn out by the schedule we are through with this segment of the TC program. That seems to be the way things go this summer--just when I get used to something it is over and it is time for another change. Luckily, I only have one more assignment to turn in and I am not even going to worry about it anymore until tomorrow night. I am going to take a night and enjoy not having anything to work on for tomorrow. Even though I prepared all weekend for this week (so I wouldn't have to do anything on my birthday but enjoy it) my lesson on Monday (my birthday) went worse (not bad but just not as good as the others) than the three lessons before them. This really scared me because I expected that my lessons would always just get better. So I spent the rest of my birthday fine-tuning my last two lessons so that the same thing wouldn't happen again. So I am going to just revel in the moment of having nothing to worry about for one whole night. Tomorrow I have to go meet with the TEAM and learn my overall grade thus far (in their class). But that is tomorrow and tomorrow is another day, for now I will enjoy tonight!

Thank you Sam Walton!

Jameses don't come with instruction booklets, but I still don't know how I didn't think of it sooner. Going to the grocery store every three days is not only time consuming and expensive but also tiring. However, so far I have not been able to figure out another way to keep enough food in the house to feed my James. SAMS!(sort of like Costco for you Brits) Why am I just now thinking of this? James and I joined Sams' Club on Sunday, and went grocery shopping. I bought huge boxes of James food (frozen corn dogs, frozen sausage egg and cheese biscuits, and lots of ketchup). It all fit nicely in our freezer and it was a lot cheaper than buying the same amount of food over a one or two week period. Thanks to Mum for offering to get me a Sam's Club Membership Card. I know it may sound sort of silly, but one serious concern I have about having children is that they might all have their father's metabolism (APPETITE). I have a hard enough time planning and preparing James' meals (when I cook there are usually no left overs) I don't know how I could possibly plan and/or prepare for two, three or four Jameses (especially when they are growing). Now, that I have rediscovered Sam's I am not so worried about it. Anyway I only have one James to worry about feeding now, so I have plenty of time to build that industrial sized kitchen.

This is the birthday cake Mum surprised me with. It is a replica of the one she made for my 5th birthday (in Scotland) before I started Kindergarten. Unfortunately, it got cracked on the way home, but that didn't affect the way it tastes! 

Happy Birthday to Me...

Today is my birthday, but don’t worry you’re off the hook because I celebrated it yesterday. For the record, I am now 23. Some of you have suggested that I am older or younger so I am setting the record straight. I had a lot of gun yesterday. James and I met my parents in Tupelo and ate at Vanelli’s. We then went to the Tupelo Flea Market to see all the stuff (I mainly like looking at all the animals) and kill time before the Buffalo Park opened. They had a lion, a tiger and a bear at the Buffalo Park (plus a lot of monkeys, snakes, goats, deer, a pair of giraffes, a pair of ostriches, some emus, some camels, two alligators, a skunk, birds, lizards, a ferret, donkeys, horses, etc… Oh! and lots of Buffalo (a white one named Dakota). We went on a tour of the park on a “bus” pulled by a tractor. Our guide seemed neither knowledgeable of the American English language and how we use it or the animals he was showing us. He kept talking about how bad his knees were and his last knee surgery, etc. It was kind of funny, I am still not sure if he was one of the attractions or not. One of the monkeys was watching Nascar in its cage (it had a little black and white TV/Radio). I think they both probably have a lot in common, except maybe the monkey had a better command of the American English language. Why bother going to the Delta to teach English, perhaps I will just go to the Buffalo Park, at least there you get free drink refills!
Where credit is due.
Thanks to Mum and Daddy for taking us to lunch, the flea market and the Buffalo Park. We had a lot of fun and I am already enjoying my new printer/scanner/copier! Thanks to Gran and Granpa for the lovely card and the call right after midnight (their time, a little after 6 pm our time) to be the first to wish me a happy birthday (it was July 12th over there). Thanks to Meredith for the funny (ha ha) card and the phone call on my birthday! Last but definitely not least—James picked out a wonderful card and a really cool vanity table and mirror and he put a lot of thought into what style of furniture I like, what would match my decorating style, etc. I am still picking myself off the floor. All in all I feel very special, so thanks to the people who remembered my birthday this year and made it special for me.