When is enough?

I remember everyone telling me that it would be easier after Christmas. I am not so sure that is true. I have had a very rough few days and I feel like I might be at my breaking point or very rapidly approaching it. I was really depressed all day Monday, because it dawned on me that my students and I would not have another break until the end of March, almost three months away. My master’s degree program starts back this weekend and I am already so overwhelmed. I am not sure how I will handle everything. Every third thought I have is of quitting and every second thought is guilty from the thought of quitting.
On Thursday I stayed after school until about 6:20 pm. Our school decided that all teachers should be at school so that parents can come and pick up their children’s report cards. I thought it was a good idea. I got to meet a lot of parents that I had talked to on the phone, and it was nice to finally be able to place a name with a face. However, I was surprised at the things you learn when you talk to people face to face that they don’t think about disclosing on the phone. For example, one father who I am have talked to on about 5 occasions about his son’s day dreaming and sleeping told me that his son was placed on seizure medication at a young age that caused slight brain damage. I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me this the first time I talked to him on the phone (or the second, third, fourth or fifth time I talked to him on the phone)! He seemed to assume we knew. The aunt and guardian of one of my student’s was surprised that her niece was doing so poorly in a class that she passed the year before. This was the first time we had ever heard that this particular student had failed the seventh grade. Once again the aunt assumed we knew. When we questioned her about it, she said that the school her niece attended last year forwarded her transcript to our school before we enrolled her. I am constantly amazed at the incompetence of my school!
I have also experienced a lot of disappointment in the past few days. I have been really trying to stay on top of my at risk students to keep them from being able to mess up yet another nine weeks. Several of them were showing promise and were actually making an effort. Their parents even promised me that things would be different this time. I guess I just wanted to believe them. Perhaps I am just too idealistic sometimes. Despite my personal experiences to the contrary, I guess I hoped that if you care about someone enough and if you are determined enough, you can impose your will on another person. However, several of them have been suspended for fighting in the past few days (one girl for nine days) and I am worried that they will not come back with the same renewed enthusiasm as they started the nine weeks with, and that even if they do they will not be able to catch up with everyone else.
Today was a 60% day. My students think that is unfair that they should have to do any work on a 60% day (or a Friday, or a four day week, etc.), so it was a constant battle to keep them on task. At 1:50 pm when my last bus student left I felt like I had put in a full day, not sixty percent of one. When I arrived at 1:57 pm at my district meeting for teachers of secondary English, the teacher whose room the meeting is held in (at our rival middle school) made a snide remark about the meeting starting at 2:00 pm. I smiled, looked around the room and then explained to her that our buses were running late and I would get written up if I just left my students alone. I then pointed to her clock and remarked that not only was I three minutes early, but I was the first one there from the schools on the other side of town. The meeting was a total waste of time. We had a speaker on something that pertained only to high schools. Then, since our chairperson and co-chairpersons never showed up to the meeting with our meeting agenda, we sat around and talked until time to leave.
I was informed at the above-mentioned meeting, by my Teacher Corps colleague, that our principal had told her that a former Language Arts teacher (she retired last year) was coming to school sometime tomorrow to talk to us about teaching writing. My friend then made a comment that I had been teaching writing. My principal replied something to the extent that I was not teaching writing correctly. This infuriated me. NO! I am not perfect. I take constructive criticism well. However, I do not take my supervisor discussing her opinion of my job performance with another teacher when she has not been willing to discuss it with me first. She still has not provided me with any feedback from any of her official or unofficial visits, and yet we have already scheduled our second round of official visits for the 2nd of February. I don’t know how she thinks I am doing (apart from the remark she made to my colleague). I don’t know what I need to work on or fix before her next observation. Did I mention that I made an ‘A’ on my classroom observation for the Teacher Corps and that the consultant was surprised to learn I was a first year teacher. Sure I have had advice, but no real criticism. My first instinct was to go straight back to the school and discuss the issue with the principal. I decided to wait, because I know that when I let my initial anger cool down, so that I am calm and collected (but still simmering), I am a much more formidable person to deal with. I dropped a bee in the bonnet of a teacher who is close to our principal, that I knew what she had said and was very upset with her about it. After talking to this teacher I also decided that I would wait and see what the former English teacher says about my attempts at teaching writing tomorrow before approaching my principal. I figure if I win over the veteran teacher, then our principal won’t have a leg left to stand on. I am still very angry. When I cool down to a simmer I might not take as drastic measures as I now plan, but measures will be taken!
The consultant was more helpful than I thought!
A few months ago the consultant that was visiting our school decided it would be helpful to me and my colleague if she taught one of my colleague’s classes while we observed. I was appreciative at first, as I have not had the opportunity to observe any 7th grade Language Arts classes since summer school. When I observed her 90-minute lesson, I was more relieved than enlightened. First of all, we aren’t supposed to teach Language Arts for 90 minutes—we are supposed to teach Language Arts for 45 minutes and Learning Strategies for 45 minutes. Her 90-minute lesson was just a compressed, less detailed version of a four-day (45 minutes each day) lesson I had already taught. She had the same problems with student behavior and attention spans that I have. She exhibited cultural ignorance on at least on occasion, which she warned us not to do, and she made two technical mistakes in a very crucial part of her lesson showing that she apparently was not as familiar with her material as she should be (as a former English teacher). The fact that she could make two such mistakes (and that I was able to catch them) made me realize for the first time that if she was not perfect, even though she was not only a veteran teacher, but also a well-paid consultant, then I could not be expected to be perfect either. She even showed frustration when students asked the same question 15 times when the answer was written plainly on the board. She also didn’t seem to find time for the positive encouragement she asked me to implement on one of her previous visits. I did, in fact, implement the positive encouragement, but quickly abandoned it. She suggested instead of saying “John, get out your paper and pencil” or “John, where is your paper and pencil”; that I instead say “Jane, I like the way you got out your paper and pencil without being asked.” Maybe this sounds good in theory, but when I tried it the other students all got upset when I didn’t thank each and every one of them for getting out their supplies, whenever they decided to do so (which wasn’t always in the timely fashion I desired). Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think I should have to thank someone for doing something that they are supposed to do; it presents a very unrealistic approach to life. You don’t get thanked for following the laws of the land; they just put you in jail when you don’t! I consider it one of my jobs to try and prepare my students for life, and I definitely don’t want to do anything that adds to their sense of entitlement. This was the day that I decided to quit beating myself up because I am not the best teacher in the world.
After accepting that everything that happens or doesn’t happen in my classroom is not my fault, I started trying to identify other factors that might influence what goes on (and doesn’t go on) in the partially enclosed space I tend to refer to as my room. There are several factors that I belief are negatively impacting my students (that I have no control over). The first and most prevalent is a lack of discipline. I do not believe that students can develop self-discipline if they have not been previously exposed to discipline of any sort. Most of my students do not receive any discipline (or good examples of self-discipline) at home and our school is not a very disciplined environment, yet we expect these children to develop the self-discipline they will need to make it in the real world. We feed them a hot meal for lunch because many of them do not get a hot meal at any other time. Yet we neglect providing them with many of the things that they need to be successful, even thought we know they probably not receiving these things at home either. The sad thing is there does not seem to be a real reason for this neglect on our part—I mean instilling discipline cannot be as expensive as the hot meals they are provided with everyday. I honesty think they would be better off in the long run if we fed them sandwiches every day and worked harder to instill in them a sense of discipline, value and respect. As I have stated before, I work at a school that places more emphasis dress code violations (some of which are not even spelled out in the handbook, like whether or not the boy have their shirts tucked in), than academic success or any other disciplinary infractions. I just cannot figure out how everyone’s priorities have become so confused?
The missing link.
Lately, I have assumed that if my kids had parents then maybe they would behave better. I suddenly remembered that public schools were originally set up for parentless children (if I remember correctly), and children with wealthy or well-meaning parents were tutored at home. So, if schools worked without parents in the past, why can’t they do so now? Parents can’t be the only thing wrong in this equation
Future or Futility
I am not sure I was cut out to be a teacher. I completely identify with the metaphor of a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I have not read a newspaper in two months, because I don’t trust myself not to turn straight to the classifieds. So, why am I doing this? Eventually I think I will probably go into the public policy formation arena—either through journalism or politics, however I don’t believe you can truly understand an area of life until you have lived it. I try very hard to look at things from every angle and perspective. Not only did I think this program was an excellent opportunity to give back to my state, but a very good way to learn in depth about two of the most important areas of public policy our children (and our future) and our public education system.
So, why haven’t I quit yet? I am not a quitter. I am not so sure that is so noble a reason. I am normally leery of people who stick to something (a job, a mantra, an argument...) just because they aren’t a quitter. I think sometimes people don’t quit because they are afraid of change. I am not afraid of change. Sometimes it is good to quit—like if you quit smoking or something that is bad for you. I guess the distinction lies in whether you quit something good or something bad. Then we have the element of commitment. I signed a contract with my school district for one year and regardless of whether this was a good decision or a bad decision, it is a decision that I have committed to until June. Sometimes you have to take chances in life. Not every decision you make, no matter how good your intentions, will end well. Sometimes you know almost instantly that you made a good decision, and sometimes it takes years to fully realize the effects of your decisions. I do not know the full ramifications of my decision to join the Teacher Corps. I do know that I was disappointed with my placement the moment Dr. Mullins informed me of it. It is not what I expected when I signed on with the program. Things have not gotten any better since my initial disappointment. I just hope that I am not doing all of this in vain, that my perseverance will pay off and someday I will be able to see positive effects of my decision. Right now, I am clinging to the hope that I am doing something positive, and some days—like today—that really is all that keeps me from quitting.