The Impossibly Hard Life of Baby Jake

Jake relaxing in the recliner after a long hard day with his best friend Eyeore.

Jake gets held by his great grandfather Carr(while wearing the shirt from my Aunt Anne-Marie, Uncle Robert, and cousins Marianne and Shona).
Jake playing in bouncy seat with his "very hungry caterpillar"

(it is from a book that we read to him).
Jake wallowing in his toys.
Jake practices standing with his Daddy.
More of Jake wallowing in his toys.

Jake recovering from a bath in the bathrobe my friend Blair sent him.
Jake helping Daddy with the bills.
Jake takes a nap on Paw Paw (my dad).
Jake talks to us.
Jake kicking blocks over with his Granny (my Mom).

Jake visiting with his paternal grandparents.
Jake playing in (and chewing on--he is teething) his "Johnny Jump Up."

Jake spends quality time with Mommy and Daddy!


My Mom took these, and they are on her blog, but I couldn't resist stealing them and putting them on mine as well.

Pictures from last weekend!

On a typical morning James gets up at 5:15 (Jake and I are usually still up from our 4ish feeding). James takes a shower and gets dressed and then takes over on Daddy Duty (Jake likes being held at all times!). I get completely ready to go by 6:30. James helps me carry down all of my stuff for work and Jake in one trip (Jake hates being strapped in the car seat unless we are actually moving). Then Jake and I leave to meet Momma at the parking lot at school and James goes back to finish getting ready and leaves for work by around 7:00 (I have to be at work by 7:15). Well as Jake is normally well fed by the time James takes over in the morning, their favorite morning time activity is a 20-45 minute nap together while I get ready, as evidenced by this photo. The quilt (all you can really see in this picture is the back of it) is one Momma made me out of pieces of dresses I wore as a little girl. It is Jakes favorite quilt, even though it is way to big for him. I left him with James one evening so I could go to the grocery store, when I came back James had Jake swaddled in it (he had all the excess just sort of piled up on top). James claimed that it was the only thing that would comfort him, and I didn't really believe him at first, but Jake really does seem to have a preference for this particular quilt. We don't know why, but we are starting to realize that there is a lot we don't know and much more that doesn't make sense. Ahh, the joys of parenthood!

In this group of pictures he looks so angelic you would think we drugged him! These were taken right after we got back from his first Sunday at church (last weekend). It was raining outside so we didn't get any good ones of him at the church (maybe next time). I don't know if he was just acting the part, because all of the ladies at church (including the nursery attendents) made such a big fuss over him, however, he behaved beautifully the whole time! I think it is funny that even though I have a degree in Journalism, my mechanical engineering husband takes most of the pictures (the better pictures anyway, he would have me add). Once again, everyone at church went on and on about how much he looks like James. I think this is funny because right now James is sporting a full beard and mustache so you really can't see all of his facial features that clearly, but yet perfect strangers still think he looks like James! I think he looks like James, but also a lot like Carrie, which is nice. I have been a little annoyed that he is so different than me, I guess because I had to go through so much trouble to get him and he is so cute that it would be nice (and selfish) to see a little bit of me in him. I remember when I was pregnant thinking about how nice it would be if he looked like James and had at least something about him that reminded us of Carrie, like her eyes. So far it looks like he has her eyes, her hair color, and her birthmarks. It is strange to think that every part of our body once existed as part of someone else. Some things are obvious like when you can see that you have your grandmother's eyes or you mother's hand for instance. I often take it further and wonder who I got my legs from, and some of the less obvious traits that I inherited.

This is one of the closest pictures I have been able to take of him smiling. My mom has had more success. Isn't he just so cute! Now you know why I haven't been able to e-mail any of you back (or make any calls). I spend all of my time staring at him and holding him (and feeding him and changing him), I just don't want to do anything else!

I love this picture. Jake likes to pinch people, especially when he is upset. In this picture it looks almost as if he is warning me that he will pinch me if I don't quit taking all these pictures. He knows the difference between our faces without the camera and our faces with the camera held in place to take a picture and we have real trouble getting him to look at us, smile, etc. when we have the camera!

January 28th

Today is Carrie’s birthday. She would have been 23. It is hard to imagine what she would be like at 23. I remember how much my life changed between my 20th birthday (the last one she celebrated) and my 23rd birthday. I met James, got married, got pregnant with Jake—so many changes in three years. I miss her so much. I know that things happen for reasons that we don’t always understand, but it is really hard not to question it sometimes. It is hard not to feel like we have been cheated out of sharing many wonderful moments with her. I just have to try and remember all the bad parts she is missing out on. She will never have to age; she will remain forever young in our memories. I remember when we were really young we had a discussion about how long it would take her to catch up to me (age wise). I tried to explain to her that she would always be a year and a half younger than me. It seems very strange now, even when I am ninety she will still be only twenty.
Don’t get too close to the screen
I am also really sad and worried because I have a confirmed case of the flu. My worst fear about going back to work was that I would catch something and bring it home to Jake. I have been taking every precaution imagined to try to prevent something like this from happening. The flu just hit out of nowhere. I thought I had a sinus infection, but I have never had one develop this fast or furious. Thursday night Jake and I both ran a fever, so I went to the doctor first thing Friday morning. Jake had his two month vaccinations Thursday afternoon and they warned us he would probably run a fever. Even with the infant Tylenol he was running a fever of 101. The pediatrician tested Jake for flu and fortunately, so far, he has not developed the flu. So he is at my parents’ house and James is also taking Tamiflu to keep from getting sick. I miss Jake very much. James left earlier to go to the store, and I got the laptop out to type this blog, and got distracted by the screen saver. which is a million pictures of Jake on rotation. I didn’t realize how long I had been watching it until James came back from the store. I know he is probably having fun. I haven’t run a fever yet today, and if I don’t run a fever tonight, I should be able to see him tomorrow night. It seems like forever since I held him, stared into his big blue eyes and told him how much I love him. I miss holding him (even when he is fussy), watching him sleep, listening to his little noises, seeing his smile, cuddling in between those early A.M. feedings and just his presence. The house seems so empty without him. It is so sad to wake up in the middle of the night and see his empty bed. Because of the medicines I am taking, I won’t be able to nurse Jake for 10 days (from Friday). Pumping is just not the same as nursing, especially when I have to throw the milk away. I pump while I am at work, but it is impossible to pump every two to three hours like I would nurse him, and I have noticed my supply decreases towards the end of the week, but then increases again on the weekend and first part of the week. I think that nursing him on the weekend is the only thing that has kept me from having to quit nursing. I am worried about the effect pumping without nursing will have on my supply, especially once I go back to work and can’t pump as often during the day. We already have to supplement him, but whatever breast milk I have been able to give him I hope has been beneficial to his immune system. I think nursing him has forged a strong bond between us. Sometimes it is the only thing that will comfort him, and I am not ready to give that up.
It is amazing the difference Jake has made in our lives. He is only 9 weeks old, but he is so beautiful and such a source of happiness. I have a habit of taking on too much, whether it is work or school, and then crashing every so often under all the pressure. When I was pregnant with Jake, for the first time it wasn’t just my health I was jeopardizing from stress (often self inflicted, or at least accumulated by my decisions, choices and inability to say no). It made me view life completely differently. I promised myself, James and the unborn Jake that I would not take my work home with me everyday and that I would make some changes in my life. I am not super woman; I can not do it all. While James may operate just fine with occasional lapses of attention (I always try and make up for it later), I don’t want to spend all of Jake’s life trying to make up for missing out on his childhood. James and I have talked about how when you are little, a day seems like forever (time is relative—one year is 20% of your life when you are 5, but just 4% of your life when you are 25). We had planned on me only working part time if at all once we had children, at least until our youngest child is in school. Life doesn’t always happen the way you plan it, but this episode of possibly exposing my 9 week old son to a deadly virus has just strengthened my convictions that the best thing for Jake and me and other children we may have will be to stay home at least most of the time with them. I do hope to be able to work part time for the local newspaper, but if something doesn’t work out, then I will find some volunteer work to keep me sane and to get me out of the house once in a while.
The cute little biohazards
I have enjoyed teaching, and apart from the sadness of being away from Jake, I am really enjoying teaching 7th graders again. I just wish they were a little more hygienic. It grosses me out watching them chew on things and put everything in their mouths. My special education students are some of the worst about it, and then at the end of class they put their papers on my desk with suspicious wet marks all over them and then bring me their dirty little planners for me to sign so their parents have proof that they did their class work. I am also appalled at their lack of knowledge of hand washing, Kleenex use, etc. Seventh graders are so interesting; it is great on the days when I actually get through to them. I like teaching Eastern Hemisphere studies to 1750. I am getting used to 143 students, six periods a day. Grading and filing is a little rougher than I thought. I am still trying to only bring things home one day a week. Only one more semester to go. I think I might go back to teaching one day, on some level at least. I have very little contact with the principal, as he is over both the elementary and the middle school parts of the attendance center and instead I deal more with the vice principal who is over the middle school. She seems okay. She did her student teaching at the school I taught at last year, so she understands the situation I came from. The English teacher told me Thursday at lunch that she thinks I am the best thing that has happened to their hall. Apparently they have all noticed the children acting more responsible since I have started teaching. She said it is amazing that they now come in her room, with their materials and immediately start their work without having to be told a million times (she actually gives them bonus points for doing this). She said that she thinks it is because I came from the high school and treat them more like adults then like babies. I think she is partially correct, I hold them to higher standards, but not because I come from the high school. Just like in the Delta, most of the teachers are so focused (and discouraged) by what the kids apparently can’t do, that they seem to forget that it is their job to teach them to do things, not access their abilities. Every child can learn something. I realize that all 143 of my students are probably not going to remember anything about ancient river basin settlements, but I know that is not the most important thing that I am teaching them. However, it is nice to see that my love for the social sciences is infectious for some of them. We have had several interesting discussions on current event days about why we can’t just blow Iraq of the map (some of them have even learned the proper pronunciation of Arab). I have a few students who hang on every word that I say, and they remember it. Several times already I have heard them reciting to other students and to me things that I have told them word for word. It is a little scary, but also kind of nice. I have heard Yolanda say that she thinks African American students learn best from African American teachers because they can relate to them better. While I am still not sure that I agree with that, I find that my students here relate to me better. While I grew up very different from many of them (I was older than they are when I moved from Natchez), many of them know me and my parents from the Coffee House and some of them I have known since they were small children. A few of them are siblings and cousins of people that I know. That makes a huge difference. However, I think it is the culture they are raised under, not their race that makes them easier to teach. I have similar success with my African American students as with their Caucasian counterparts. So far teaching has been a very interesting cultural, and social experiment; not to mention very enlightening as far as how the education system works (or doesn’t). It will be interesting to see how the year finishes out, hopefully their will be no more serious illnesses.

Baby Blog Part II: Updates and Explanations

Same song, different verse as last year.

After Christmas I will be returning to teaching 7th graders. I can’t say I have a lot of faith in this principal. They say first impressions can be deceiving and although I knew him as a coach when I attended the school, lets hope it holds true in this case. Annoyance was the first emotion to cross my mind. The principal at the high school called me around Thanksgiving to tell me "unofficially" that I would be moved to the junior high when I came back from maternity leave. She was letting me know that the Superintendent would be calling to let me know officially any day. He never called. So the last week of school before Christmas, I called the high school principal back to see what was going on and to see if I could get her permission to call (since she was the only one who mentioned it and it was sort of off the record) and ask what was going on. She said she sat next to the attendance center (K-8 grades) principal and he had mentioned to her that he hadn’t called me yet and he definitely needed to get on that. I called the school and left a detailed message for him with the secretary, since he was not available the three other times I called and was told to check back later. Three days passed and he still hadn’t called me back. It was the last day of school and it was 60% day. I was supposed to go by the high school after the students left and show off Jake. One of the teachers told me to go down there and confront him in person. They were only too happy to watch Jake for me and so I left to go across the street and see what was going on with my job. I met the assistant principal at the door—I introduced myself by my last name and she said oh yeah, your—and then mispronounced my first name. I corrected her on the pronunciation of my first name and then she said oh yeah and called me by my maiden name. I don’t know this woman so I am not sure how she knew my maiden name, especially since she mispronounced my first name, but managed to pronounce my maiden name correctly. I had just introduced myself by my married last name, so once again I corrected her. Everyone seemed oblivious to the fact that I was on maternity leave and that no one had officially contacted me about working there. They were planning on me just magically knowing I need to show up on January 6th (telepathy wasn’t on my resume, but I get the feeling my principal has never read my resume). My impressions so far are that things will be about the same as last year except most of my 7th graders will be white, my school has walls, I will be teaching World History and I don’t have Elizabeth to go to for help and support. Once again things seem sadly disorganized, the children do not seem to have grade level skills, and other teachers don’t seem to have high expectations or qualifications. This just backs up my theory that education is lacking all over the state, not just in the Delta. Several times I was told not to worry about anything until staff development in January. Apparently, according to everyone I have talked to, including some of the administration, teaching World History is not hard. In fact I have been told by two different people not to assign homework because they will have enough work in their other classes (implying I am not teaching a "real" subject). It is almost as if they are afraid I will turn out to be a real teacher (I am replacing a coach who they moved to the high school to teach Drivers Education). We will see how it goes sooner than I would like to think about so I will now move on to more important subjects…

…Excuses, Excuses…
Even though I was visiting Baby Jake every 4 hours in the NICU the first week of his life, I still found time to write the book on our labor and delivery. However, I still had plenty of adrenalin and was having trouble sleeping. Now that Jake is home I am still having trouble sleeping, but now it is for an entirely different reason. So needless to say I have been having trouble getting anything done, except feeding Jake 24 plus times a day, changing him, holding him, etc. James is off for the New Year Holidays and he took care of Jake this morning and Jake actually slept for 5 ½ hours last night and I got some much needed sleep. Now that I feel rested for the first time in quite a while, I will finish the Jake story. We finally got internet connected and so hopefully some of the 14 million pictures James, my mom and I have taken will find their way to this blog. I know that every mother thinks their child is the cutest baby in the world, but I am sure mine is and I have the pictures to prove it! In all seriousness, he changes so fast that I am afraid I will forget what he looked like at each stage. After putting him down to sleep one night, James and I were looking through some of the digital pictures we had printed and I started crying because he doesn’t look like that anymore, even though they were taken only a week before. I also started crying when I picked out a pair of pajamas for him and they were too small for him. He had never even worn them! I feel like he is growing and changing so fast. It seems like every day he can do something new. He was born with neck control, at three weeks he could bat and grab at animals on his mobile, and just this week he started scooting around on his back (he can move from one end of his crib to the other—its tiring and scary). I am not looking forward to going back to work, even though I know he will be in good hands (my mom will be keeping him). I keep reminding myself that he will be six months old when school lets out for summer and that he won’t remember me not being there. James and I are considering options for next year that might allow me to work part time so that I can spend more time with Jake and in contemplation of having more children.
Well now onto the Jake Story. Since the first part of the saga was told from my perspective, I thought it would be fun to tell Jake’s story from his (imagined) point of view.

Meet Baby Jake
Well, I turned 5 weeks old today and so much has happened in my life so far. I spent my first week in the hospital, but I have been home for a month since today. I didn't like the hospital much because they were always poking me and prodding me. It was nice to have two people looking after me all of the time though! I was excited to come home because everytime Mommy and Daddy came to visit me they fed me and loved on me, which the doctors and most of the nurses didn't do. So far I spend most of my time with my Mommy. It is great fun—she gives me lots of food and cuddles. Sometimes I have to fuss at her because she just doesn’t understand what I am telling her, but most of the time we get along just fine. At night and at lunch time Daddy comes home and plays with me and gives me attention. I love staring at him and I can always tell when he is home by the sound of his voice. He is normally quicker at changing diapers than Mom is, but I think it is normally because she is fatigued. Occasionally I visit my grandparents and I have met my Aunt Cheri and Uncle John twice now. I have one Granny that is constantly taking my picture. She has more patience with me than anyone else so far, and Mommy says she is going to be staying with me during the day when Mommy goes back to work. I don’t mind at all because she looks kind of like my Mom and she always feeds me bottles when she visits me. Food is definitely the way to my heart! I had my first Christmas last week and I got a lot of great toys. I like Christmas trees, the lights are fascinating and next year I hope to be able to play with all those dangling little toys hanging on the tree. My New Years resolutions are to get more mobile (it is frustrating not being able to get around) and to get some teeth so I can eat whenever and whatever I want to (I cry when Mommy and Daddy eat because I feel left out and it smells so good). Oh well, speaking of food, I am hungry again, so it is time to go. Be sure to check this blog frequently for my latest pictures. Here are a few of the latest and greatest…

The Latest and Greatest of Baby Jake

This is my latest picture. It was taken a few days ago of me playing with a toy my grandparents got me for Christmas. I like it because it makes noises when you kick it!

These are me playing with the toy Mommy and Daddy got me with money from Great Gran and Great Grandpa McLean the day before Christmas.

This is me and Daddy on Christmas (The towel in the background is for when I spit up).

This is me and Mommy at three weeks.

This is me at two weeks old posing while my mom and dad took picture for our Christmas Cards. If you didn't get a Christmas Card, e-mail my mom to make sure she has your current address.

Baby Pictures

Baby Blog Part I

WARNING
Well as my last blog entry was about starting my maternity leave as you can imagine this blog entry will have nothing to do with my career—at least my career in public education. This blog entry will be all about the baby. If you do not want to read about the baby, then DO NOT READ THIS BLOG ENTRY! Also, please excuse any typos or misspelled words as I am extremely tired and that makes me more prone to mistakes.

James "Jake" William Carr was born on November 25th, 2005 at 4:30 PM. He was 21 inches long and weighed 8lbs 9.5oz. He was a week early! He was a lot smaller than the doctors thought, but he through off their estimated with his big head, hands and feet! After over 18 hours of labor he was delivered by a c-section and spent a week in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. We brought him home Friday afternoon. He weighed 8lbs 15oz when they discharged him and we are both doing great. He was in the NICU for a suspected infection of the amniotic fluid, and although his blood work never actually showed an infection, they kept him on antibiotics for seven days just to be sure. Apart from that he was completely healthy. As it is a very long story today I will post the story of his birth and some time in the next week I will post entries about his week in the NICU and his homecoming.

Me+Baby=Drama Squared
The doctor had warned us the baby could come as early as the last week of October, but he thought the baby would definitely be here no later than the second week of November. Our 35 week ultrasound on October 24th placed the baby around 7lbs. Around 5 pm on October 29th (while visiting James’s parents in Water Valley, after my last class in Oxford) I started having back pains and contractions. When we went to our doctor’s appointment that Monday (Halloween) the baby had dropped, I had started dilating, and the contractions were showing up on the Fetal Monitor. I had also gained 8lbs in one week (fluid) and the skin on my legs was so tight that you couldn’t pinch them and I was starting to have numbness. The doctor could not figure out what was behind the fluid, but suggested that I start my maternity leave, stay off my feet and drink as much water as possible. My blood pressure had already started to rise, although it wasn’t at a dangerous level, and the doctor was worried the fluid gain would adversely affect my blood pressure. I didn’t really relish the idea of sitting around the house and waiting on the baby, but I was having pretty painful contractions (they would wake me up at night because of the intensity, but they were very irregular) and because of the pressure of the baby’s head, it was pretty painful to move or make any transition from position to position—standing to sitting, sitting to standing, lying down to standing up, walking to stopping, etc. It felt like I had a bowling ball inside my hips and when I moved or stopped moving I could feel it bump up against my pelvis. Once I sat down too quickly and I promise it felt like his head hit the seat. So I started my maternity leave with the doctor’s promise that the baby should come any day and that if he hadn’t by the second week we would look at inducing. The next week I had gained about 8 more lbs of fluid, my blood pressure had risen a little bit more, I was still having contractions, but I had only dilated to 2 cm. The doctor said it should be any day (It is lucky James was there because by now I had this strange urge to slap the doctor when he said things like, "Your back this week?", "You still haven’t had that baby", and "It will be any day now."), he said he wished me pains and that he hoped he wouldn’t see me next week. I was really frustrated by the next Monday’s appointment, especially when the receptionist had a hard time booking my appointment because the doctor was going to be on vacation until the next week. I didn’t really want to be induced, just because I felt like I would rather the baby choose his own birth date than some doctor. Also I was really starting to loose faith in my doctor, and I was hoping that I would luck up and go into labor on a day when my doctor was not on call. My doctor told me to limit my walking (even around the house) to try and control the fluid retention. James and I asked about inducing (since he had promised us we would have a baby by now and because we were worried about ending up with a 10 lb baby) and the doctor said that inducement carried a high risk of a c-section and that it was possible that I could handle delivering a large baby. He even mentioned that since my blood pressure had not climbed over into dangerous levels, since the baby’s heart rate and movements were great and since I was not having any problems with my blood sugar or protein levels (a sign of kidney complications) that me might not induce on the 29th as planned, but he might let us go until the Tuesday after that. So to sum it up I was anxious, miserable and pretty much housebound most of the last month. The fluid retention got so bad that I bumped my leg on the dish washer and the cut didn’t bleed until that night when the swelling went down a little bit (when the swelling started going down a week later after delivery, it bled again).

The day the baby should have been born.
After my appointment on the 14th I experienced a gush of fluid when getting into my car, followed by bleeding and cramping. I went home (where I discovered the bleeding) and called the doctor’s office (I had just left there), he and his nurse were both at lunch and the only nurse left up there told me to wait about an hour and see if the bleeding stopped. By this time James had came home for lunch to check on me (it was the only doctors appointment that I made by myself—James had been to all the rest) and see how things had gone. When the hour had passed the bleeding was worse and my contractions (the ones that I had been having for two weeks) had picked up. I didn’t think I was in labor but I have always heard bleeding at anytime in pregnancy is a concern and this was definitely bleeding, not spotting. I called the doctor’s office back and he still was unavailable, as was his nurse, so they urged me to go on to the hospital. James and I went to hospital and explained what happened. They put me on the fetal monitor and said there were several possibilities—early separation of the placenta (because of the pain and bleeding) and rupture of membrane (possibility that my water had broken). The fetal monitor showed that I was having contractions 3 minutes apart and that the baby was doing really well so they ruled out separation of placenta after a few hours of observation. They then decided to swab me for leakage of the amniotic fluid, which came back negative. By this time (some 5 hours later) the contractions were starting to slow down and the bleeding had stopped. They discharged me and said that something the doctor had done during the exam—possibly attempting to strip my membranes to bring on labor (without telling me of course)—had just irritated my cervix and uterus causing both the bleeding and the contractions. The contractions actually went away for a few days and even when they came back they were generally only at night and not nearly as bad as they had been the two weeks previous. When James and I went to my appointment on the 21st I was still only dilated to 2cm and he set up a tentative inducement on the 29th (the day before the baby’s official due date). I was beginning to think I would never have this baby!

Depression sets in
The 21st came and went. At one point the doctor had told us he would induce if we had not had the baby by this date (because of the baby’s size). Thanksgiving Day came and I got really depressed. From the moment we had discovered we were pregnant, James and I always really thought we would have a baby before Thanksgiving. Early afternoon on Thanksgiving I started having a lot of back pain and by early evening the contractions had started again. I didn’t get excited because I was afraid of getting every ones hopes up and I had been having contractions for over three weeks now! Plus, like I said, I had started to really believe that I would never have this baby on my own and that we would have to just evict him on the 29th (with the doctors help, of course). Around 10:30 that night it became obvious that I was probably really in labor and that they were not going to stop, they kept getting stronger, closer and more regular. I told James that we probably need to try and get some sleep because we were both exhausted—I hadn’t slept well in days. I couldn’t sleep because the pain was so bad and poor James tried (I still was trying not to get him to excited because I was still afraid they would stop) to write down when I had one and how long it lasted but I felt so guilty waking him up. Finally, around 1 or 2 in the morning I knew that it was probably time to go to the hospital. When I woke James up and he started timing them he got a little frantic because they were five minutes apart. He wanted to go to the hospital then, but I told him to sit up with me and time them for at least an hour, because I didn’t want to go up there only to be sent home again or have the contractions stop. Over the next hour they were consistently three to five minutes apart so we headed on to the hospital. The pain was so intense some times that my teeth would start chattering and I would shake/shiver uncontrollably. When they admitted us, I was running a fever and so they decided to start me on an antibiotic intravenously. They monitored my contractions for a little over an hour and then told me congratulations I was in labor. The doctor on call for that day was scheduled to go off call at 5:30 AM and since he wasn’t already at the hospital, they decided to wait until 5:30 and call the doctor who was on call for the next day. Two hours passed and he still hadn’t shown up and my contractions were so close together James and I were having trouble telling them apart. The nurse checked me and we were dilated to 4cm, but the doctor had still not arrived. I knew I could start the epidural at 4 cm, and I knew James needed a food break and that I was exhausted and the hard part was yet to come. I thought if I went ahead and got the epidural that I could relax a little bit—maybe even catch a few minutes rest—and that James could go get some breakfast and call our parents to let them know what was going on. The nurse said she could not order anesthesia, only the doctor could and he wasn’t there yet (this is not the way they presented it in my birthing classes that we took at the hospital—I though all I had to do was ask). After seeing how strong and close my contractions were, she agreed to call him back and get authorization for an analgesic, but she said he couldn’t order the epidural without examining me. I wasn’t too sure about taking an analgesic because I was worried about it getting passed on to the baby, but I knew I needed a break and I was starting to get frustrated about the doctor not being there yet. She warned me that I would feel drunk and dizzy and the pain must have been pretty bad by that point because I remember telling her that I would just shut my eyes if I felt dizzy. She didn’t give me much because we both assumed the doctor would show up any minute. Wrong! The doctor did not show up until about 10 o’clock AM and by then the analgesic had worn off and I was feeling worse than before. He examined me and I had only progressed to 5cm, but even more troublesome he could not detect the bag of waters. He asked me when my water had broken and James and I were shocked, because as far as we knew it hadn’t. He insisted that it had and then it dawned on me to tell him about what happened on the 14th when they sent me home. At this point they officially admitted me and put me in a room (we were in the observation area prior to this, just curtained off from the other women. The woman across from us came in at three cm with broken water and she sounded like she was dying, cussing, crying, screaming, etc. I remember being scared (at the time I didn’t know that my water had already broken and that I was at 5 cm) and that is shortly before I asked about pain meds! He still had not ordered an epidural, but I guess it slipped his mind as he left me to perform a c-section on another woman. An hour later after he came out of the operating room with her, they managed to track him down and get my epidural (by then I was at 6 or 7 cm). When the doctor checked me again, he remarked that this was going to be a big baby. He sounded surprised and so I asked what constituted big, he said anything over 9lbs (this scared me). The epidural didn’t take all they way, but I wouldn’t learn that until later. All I knew was that I finally had some relief and although I could still tell when I was having contractions there was no real pain for the first time in over 12 hours! Because I had been in labor so long and my water had already broken, they decided to give me pitocin to help speed things along and the doctor said he thought we would have a baby in two more hours! For some reason my labor started stalling, even with the pitocin, I took a long time to dilate from 7 to 8 and my fever kept getting higher. The doctor came in and told us that although the baby seemed fine, he was worried that my fever and stalled labor could mean that the amniotic fluid or uterus could have become infected (especially since they weren’t sure how long my water had been broken—you are not supposed to go over 24 hours after your water breaks). He was worried that this could result in a much longer and more stressful delivery and with the size of the baby he didn’t want to risk it. He advised me to consent to a c-section and we did. The anesthesiologist came in and discussed options with us and we decided to up the epidural and attempt the c-section with me awake (which I was really feeling squeamish about). While they were prepping me, I said something to the nurse about it hurting when she shaved me and she ran and got the anesthesiologist. He kept asking me what made me think the epidural had not taken and I didn’t understand—I thought it had taken—I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to be feeling what I felt. They had James changing into scrubs at this point, so he had no clue that anything was wrong. They upped the epidural meds as much as they could, and while I was completely numb on my left side, I could feel him pinching my skin on the right side and my back never went completely numb. They decided last minute to put me completely under. James was not allowed in. I remember being scared and trying to relax. Right before I went completely under I heard a female voice ask someone if I was having my tubes tied. I heard a male voice—not the doctors—answer back that he didn’t think so. I remember wanting to scream NO!, but not being able to speak and thinking, "please check my chart" and that is the last thing I remember.

The surreal life
About an hour later I woke up in the recovery room. I was the only one in there except the nurse. No one said anything to me about the baby and I was so out of it I temporarily forgot why I was there. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me to move my feet. I could move my left foot and knee, but I couldn’t even wiggle my toe (no matter how hard I tried) on my right side. I heard the nurse on the phone complaining to someone that she couldn’t get off early to go shopping because I wouldn’t hurry up and move my leg. I don’t think she realized I could hear her phone conversation. I remember getting upset, because I didn’t want to be there either. I wanted to go see my baby. I was really upset (and still am) about not getting to see him, hold him or hear him cry. I was in the recovery room for over two hours and they didn’t explain anything to James or my parents. One of the nurses that had assisted me during labor came in with our camara to show me a picture (on the digital screen) of the baby, but I didn’t have my contacts in and I couldn’t see it. She didn’t know anything about the baby. James had just asked her to show me the picture and try and find out how I was doing because he was really worried about me and hadn’t been able to find out anything any other way. Finally, I could get my right foot to wiggle and even though I couldn’t move my right knee yet. They decided to move me back to a room. Finally I was able to see James and our parents, but still no baby. They told me that their had been some meconium staining of the amniotic fluid and that they had taken him to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for observation, but that he seemed fine. They didn’t know how long it would be before I could see him as I would have to be able to get up and walk down there to the NICU to see him and I had just had a c-section (plus the general anesthesia to recover from) and was still receiving pain meds and the antibiotic through the IV. The doctor did not want me getting out of bed that night, but with the help of a nurse who had delivered three of her four babies with meconium staining (Jake never aspirated it and it never made it down his throat) and knew how I felt; I managed to go see him (IV and all) early in the AM of the 26th. He was sound asleep at the time and they had an IV going into his umbilical cord stump so we were not allowed to hold him and it just all felt so strange. Well I guess this is where I will stop for now as I am still exhausted and it has taken me several days to write this. I just wanted everyone to know what was going on and that everything is okay.

Nursery

Photos of our home

Ready and Waiting...

So, I started my maternity leave yesterday and now I actually have time to blog! I realize that it has been a long time since I have posted anything. There are so many excuses that I could make, but I will go with the most obvious one. I have been too busy to get the internet stuff sorted out at our apartment and it hasn't really been a priority since James and I have internet access at work and the public library is a bout two blocks away from where we live. Also I have been really busy trying to get everything in order for the baby and completing my master's degree program at the same time. So anyway, I have actually been typing things to post on my blog, but then by the time I get in a position that I could actually post it, the material is outdated! So anyway, I will try and give a general update today and maybe get some pictures posted in the next few days.

Moving
James and I have relocated to Tupelo, Miss. He is working as a design engineer at FMC in Saltillo. He seems to like it a lot. His previous job was in quality and he really wanted to focus more on design and we both feel this will be better long term. We had decided when children arrived that we would like to be closer to our parents. After finding out we were expecting, we considered waiting a year and staying where we were in Clarksdale or moving closer to his job in Batesville, but that would require either leaving the baby with someone we didn't know (day care) or me not working at all and staying home with the baby. Day care was not an option I felt I could live with, and I am afraid staying at home all day would drive me crazy (baby or no baby). Plus, we both felt it would be easier to make a move before we have children. I knew my mom wanted to stay home with the baby and I want to work in an environment where I can leave work at work and enjoy my husband and baby.

School, work and play
I am still trying to figure out how to do the whole career, wife, mother and active member of a church and community thing, I have faith it will all work out though. I am currently (before I took maternity leave anyway) working on a part time basis with the special education program at the high school I once attended. I also occasionally get to tutor students for the English II test.

Re-entering the Twighlight Zone
It is very strange coming back to my old high school. The first week I was there two students approached me and asked where James was (my husband). I was annoyed and amused that they would think I would bring him to work with me. One of the boys knows James from the coffee house and one of them I have know most of his life as he went to church with us and our parents are friends. I have found it very odd that I actually know more students at the high school now--through the coffee house--than I did when I was a student there almost seven years ago. It is also very strange to be known as Mr. Mike or Mrs. Alison's daughter, or Carrie's sister or even as James' wife instead of just as Isla. When I lived there before no one had any idea who I was or who my parents were, etc.

A strange twist
I am sure Carrie would get a big kick out of people referring to me as her sister. In fact the counselor at the school now was not there while I was there, but was there for Carrie's senior year. She went on and on about how smart Carrie was, and then as sort of an after thought asked what sort of student I had been! This is possibly the first time anyone had ever said anything like that to me. Normally, because I was the oldest and teachers had me first, Carrie would get asked if she was as smart as I was, but never the other way round. It was an odd moment for me.
The first few weeks of school I was staying with my parents (while James and I found a place to live) and I found myself getting choked up the first couple times I drove to school. It dawned on me that I had probably never drove to the high school by myself before. By the time I was old enough to drive, Carrie was at the high school too, and so she was always with me. It was very sad to make the drive by myself.
I have also been surprised about the number of people who seem indignant that I don't live (or want to live) in town, that I would rather live in Tupelo. The thing is some of them are the same teachers that always made me feel like I did not belong there, that I was an outsider and now they are indignant that I do not want to live there? Some of them have already mentioned how odd it will be for them teaching my children, and I have just smiled and said that will be a long ways off (to avoid telling them that we don't plan on enrolling our children in schools there--we moved to Tupelo for a reason)! Plus, I promised myself a long time ago, if I ever became a teacher I would not teach at the same school my children attended and if possible I would not teach in the same district! In general it has been a strange experience and I still have very mixed opinions about returning to the town (even though I am not living there).

Location, Location, Location!
James and I love living in Tupelo! There is plenty to keep us occupied and we enjoy taking walks uptown. We recently joined the First Presbyterian Church and we really enjoy the church activities that we have had the energy and time to participate in so far. We live right off of Main Street and our apartment is great. We were originally looking at renting a house, until we get a little bit more familiar with Tupelo and know more about where we would want to buy a house, but we came across this apartment by chance and fell in love with it. I will try and get some picture up of it soon! It is in an old house that has been completely remodeled and split into four flats (it isn't really a traditional apartment). We live in an upstairs flat and have wonderful views of the area from our balcony/porch and windows. It is within walking distance to many downtown attractions (i.e. restaurants, bars, a pub, a theater, and the farmers market). There are several parks close by, when we want a change of scenery for our walks, and the newest developmental area, the Fairpark district, is a few blocks away. As a result we will soon be within walking distance of many new shops, more restaurants and a cinema. It is lots of fun!

Middle School + Social Studies = Happiness?
Monday, before I left, my principal asked if I would consider teaching full time after Christmas. It seems like there might be an opening at the middle school for a social studies teacher. That would be perfect. I would love to teach social studies, where as I just like teaching English. Though I never thought I would say this, I actually miss 7th graders! So anyway, I am trying not to get my hopes up, but I really do miss teaching, and I would like to return to the middle school level.
As far as long term goals, I am actually considering taking courses during the summer to try and get qualified in Elementary education. It would probably take a few years and I am still not sure that I want to do it (especially considering how much I would love to teach Social Studies), but I have a real passion for reading instruction. Everything that I have done in my master's degree program has convinced me that education is the right field for me, but I am still not quite sure I have found where I fit into it. I want to take some more psychology classes, especially developmental psychology and early childhood education classes.
By the time a student gets to me now and cannot read, there is not a lot that can be done and it breaks my heart. I guess I just want to get to the root of the problem, or at least explore the problem more. I also feel that if a child does not get adequate education in the elementary grades, there is little good you can do for him or her in middle school and high school. Who knows what I will be doing in a year? I am still trying to figure things out, and my life moves so fast (at least it seems to me it does), everything changes so much I never know what will happen next.

Any day now!
I finished my last class meeting for my master's degree program this past Saturday. So now all I have left is an evaluation, when I return to work after Christmas, and a portfolio presentation in April. I still have some work to do on my portfolio, but right now I am more focused on having this baby!
Today I begin my 36th week of pregnancy (according to my doctor) and the baby's growth rate is equal with that of a baby at 38 weeks. Last week we had an ultrasound that put his weight at around 7lbs, so I don't even want to think about how big he would be now! I am in good health and the baby is too, we had an appointment this past Monday. The doctor says the baby could come any day and that we will consider inducing if I don't have him by next week (because of his size--neither the doctor nor I want a 10-12 lb baby).
James and I are hoping he will arrive by this weekend as I am pretty miserable. Seeing as the ultrasound put him at about the same weight I was when I was born (and he still had five weeks to his due date then), it is possible that many pregnant women never have to deal with carrying as heavy a baby as I am. It is like we have been nine months pregnant for an entire month now (weight wise for the baby).
He has dropped into my pelvis making walking very uncomfortable. Actually, anytime I change positions it is uncomfortable! If I sit down too fast it feels like I hit his head on the seat! When I walk I can feel his head rolling around inside my hip bones. Surely he can't stay like that for too much longer? We have also noticed a decrease in his movement (maybe because his head is stuck in my pelvis) and I have experienced a loss of appetite (and an increase in heart burn, even though I am not eating very much). In addition, the swelling has gotten worse (so bad that I gained 8lbs of fluid in one week) and I am having to take added iron supplements because he is draining me of all of mine!

Have we lost our minds?
Despite all of this, we are already talking about having more children, and we are so excited about his upcoming birth. It seems very strange to be excited about something I know will be very painful, but I have waited almost nine months to have this baby and I can't wait to see him. I also think it is strange that we can be so excited about him when about a year ago we still weren't sure we wanted children. Even though we were surprised to learn of his existence we have both never considered not wanting him. Like so much of life, it doesn't necessarily make sense, but I am very glad it is happening to us. I just hopes it happens to us soon! As most of you know I am not a very patient person, and I am not sure that I like sitting home waiting to go into labor!

Baby's little hand and arm

Baby Blues

While yes, I could be talking about the uncomfortable side effects of pregnancy (of which there are many), I am actually referring to the ultrasound we had done yesterday which confirmed that we are having a boy! James William Carr seems to be very healthy and mobile (he kept kicking me during the ultrasound--I think maybe because the technician was pushing in on him with the sensor). In a way it was nice to see him kicking me, because now I know it is not my imagination. James and I have also noticed that when we listen to his heart beat we either don't hear it because he is moving around or we always hear it in the same place. With the heart monitor that we have you hear the baby's heart better from the area where his back is. That lead us to suspect that he has a favorite position that he likes to sleep or lie in. The ultrasound confirmed our theory and it turns out his head is right underneath my belly button, his back is to my left of my belly button with his legs kicking the right side of me. He is big for his gestational age and so they have moved my due date up to November 21st. Because my weight gain has been normal, the doctor suspects that the baby is growing large due to genetics, not overfeeding. So it looks as if we are going to have a traditional Carr sized baby--BIG! He said that we will probably have a fourth ultrasound later on to determine his growth and that inducement might be a possibility if he looks like he is going to be over a certain weight. I guess that we shouldn't be too surprised as neither James nor I are exactly what you would call short (I am 5'9", he is 6'4"). Although I was a little under seven pounds when I was born (24 years ago today), James was over eight and only one baby in their entire family was under eight and that is because he was sick (James's brother was a few ounces under eight lbs). The other interesting thing is that the baby is in the breach position (like Carrie and Mum and Gran) and the doctor said that if he doesn't turn and we can't convince him to turn by doing these little exercises than the doctor wants to perform a cesarean (I was born on Caesar's birth day, but not by a cesarean section). Inducing labor to keep the baby a deliverable size sounds fine by me, but I really do not want a c-section. The doctors says that it would be too risky to try and deliver my first child in the breach position, if it wasn't a first baby he would be okay with it. I am hoping that the baby will turn. We still have about 15 weeks before we have to start worrying about that. I don't think that I would like to stand on my head for 9 months, so I think it is only natural that the baby doesn't want to either. However, as fast as he is growing I do hope that he will turn into the head down position eventually. Hopefully, with some help from my mother, I will get some of the still shots from the ultrasound uploaded shortly.

Finally a Finale

Well the last day of school came and went about three weeks ago, and I am still trying to figure out what to make of it all. This is partially due to the fact that I started once again to delve into a sort of personal bubble where I would not have to think about things at my school. I think this happened shortly before the second round of State tests. I guess part of it was due to a sort of desire for denial of all the things I saw happening around me. This year I have learned a lot of new things about my state and myself (such as the limits of my frustration for example). I guess some of those things were hard to face because I was not sure how to put them in context. To be honest, I am still not sure. Perhaps after I have achieved more distance between myself and this past school year I will be better able to absorb the full impact of what I have experienced and learned.
I think the biggest accomplishment that took place after Christmas was that I learned not to blame myself for the conditions I could not control. At first some of the conditions were so overwhelming and because they did affect my classroom management and instruction, I blamed myself for not being able to compensate for or overcome the conditions. In the end I just decided that life is not fair and it is easier to work with what you have if you don’t worry about what you don’t have. I wish this were something I could have learned earlier. I did not achieve all that I wanted to achieve this year and normally that would bother me, but for some reason it really doesn’t. I know that I did the best I could given the circumstances. If the circumstances had been different, my best might have been different. Hopefully, this next school year will not be as challenging. I do not think that I could go through it again, even if I wanted to (which I don’t). I guess it is like the principal at Mantachie Attendance Center was saying, “You wouldn’t give a million dollars for the experience, but they couldn’t pay you a million dollars to do it all over again.” (He is from Rolling Fork, MS and participated in an alternate route program and he taught about 8 miles down the road from my school.)
Summer School
Well I have completed 21 hours towards my master’s degree (out of 30) and I am currently taking 6 hours. These are definitely the most challenging classes I have taken so far, so I am not sure I can maintain the 4.0 average I have now. I think the challenge is compacted by the fact that the classes meet everyday for only three and a half weeks. My first class is Educational Research and my second class is Education Law. Both classes require quite a bit of research and writing as well as two major tests in each class (one tomorrow and one Wednesday). We pretty much cover a chapter a day in each class. Class starts around 8:15 (as amended today, before today it was 8) and gets out around 11:45 (barring announcements from Ben). Neither teacher apparently believes in a bathroom break like most of the teachers we have previously had and my first professor seems to think his class ends ten minutes after it actually does (which coincides with the starting time of our second class). This kind of schedule is kind of challenging on us pregnant people (there are two of us expecting this fall, actually 3 because the father of the other baby is in our class as well). Although I feel much better this trimester (the 2nd) driving back and forth from Clarksdale every day is taxing on ones energy levels (it is about 75 minutes one way). My classes end on the 24th and then I am off until I start teaching (where has not been decided yet, but I will not be going back to the same school as last year).
Special Thanks
I would like to thank my mother for posting all of the ultra-sound pictures and that e-mail that I sent out to some of my friends and family about the baby, when I was too tired to post anything (also see aforementioned bubble). I am really lucky to have the parents that I do. Seeing the parents of the children I taught this past year made me realize exactly how lucky I was as a child to have to smart, loving, involved parents who valued learning and education. I would also like to publicly mention my appreciation for James who has been tremendously supportive this past year and especially during the last four and a half months. Without his help during the first trimester I know I would have starved to death, drowned in my own tears or been attacked by a pile of dirty dishes. I am really lucky to have such a wonderful support group!

On a sad note
Today makes two years since Carrie died. I still have moments where I can’t believe she is gone. Two years seems like such a short time, and yet sometimes it feels like an eternity has passed since the last time I saw her. I still miss her very much; I guess I always will. I sometimes wonder what she would think about all the things that have happened since she left.

Never end it on a sad note
On a happier note, the 29th of this month James and I will have been together (dating not married) for three years. James says he feels like it has been much longer than three years (I hope he meant it in a good way) and I to have difficulty remembering what life was like without him (probably because I don’t want to). The funny thing is when we were discussing marriage (three years ago this October-November) we said that the earliest we would consider having children was in three years. At the time three years seemed like a long way off. Now we are here and it is actually a good place to be.

And in the end…
I almost forgot, as I have been trying to forget a lot of what happened this past year, our school received our state writing test results on the last day of school. After the students had left they announced that Evy and I had raised our school’s test results from 2.3 to 2.4 (the state average is 2.5). That is great especially considering that was our first year ever teaching and (as Ben says) we helped our students make the highest scores in the school’s history.

Doctor's Visit Today 

Doctor's visit today 

Baby Carr 

Baby Carr

I have attached the ultra-sound picture. It was really amazing! James and I got to watch and listen to the heart beat. I did not realize that the heart beat so regular so early on (I don't think it has four chambers, fully developed arteries, veins etc). It is so tiny! The ultra-sound measurements put us at 6 weeks, which amazingly puts the baby at only a month old (the other two weeks track the development of the egg, so you are technically two weeks pregnant at fertilization). I am relieved because that means James and I found out while the baby was only a week into its development and so I havn't exposed it to alcohol, high levels of caffeine, etc. This puts are due date at November 31st, so maybe we will have a Thanksgiving baby! I have been told that once a normal heartbeat is observed, the chances of miscarriage drop considerably. However, we still have 7 1/2 long months to go.
I am supposed to send progress reports out this week, state tests are coming up, I have A LOT of work to complete for my masters program this semester, I have to make sure and send our taxes off by Friday and all without the aid or companionship of a nice cup of coffee or tea! On a good note, I haven't been as exhausted this week as I was the last three. It turns out part of my exhaustion was due to battling a case of strep throat. When they ran my prenatal blood work, I tested positive for strep, and even though I was feeling much better by the time they discovered it (I thought it was allergies) and I never ran a fever that we know of, I am still taking an antibiotic (which doesn't help with the nausea). However, everything seems to be going smoothly, just please continue to keep us in your prayers as we have a long way to go yet!