Choices and Decisions

At certain stages, I have thought each of my three children would be my last child. It was such a shock when we found out we were expecting Ali and I had already started making peace with the fact that I probably would not ever have another child. We were more than content with Jake and Mari and we were both a little scared at making a willful choice to have another child as we knew it would be risky for me and the baby. Ali has been a little miracle and I am so glad she is in our lives. It seems like twice the gift to experience being the mother of an infant again and I treasure it perhaps more (if that is even possible) than I was able to with Jake and Mari because I know it will never happen for me again. The next time I hold a baby that is related to me, it will either be a cousin's child or a grandchild (if I am lucky). Everyone tries to tell you how much your life is changed by having a baby, what no one warns you (or at least no one warned me) is the emotion involved in knowing that the baby stage of your life is coming to an end.
It doesn't seem to be something James is going through at all. Making a permanent decision was easy for him. I guess, as a young child life is so open-ended and especially as a girl, you dream of the big events in your life--your career, your wedding, your husband, your children, etc. In the past eight years so much of my life has gone from open-ended to concrete. While I am more than content with my decisions and have many, many things to look forward to, it is a strange feeling. It seems like it has passed so quickly and for the first time in my life, I am not feeling young. Now that I have some major life events behind me, the realization that these events are in my past, not the present and no longer something to look forward to is setting in.
It has been a really introspective year. We have experienced changes in our life and seen changes within our families in the last year. In addition, James just went to his ten year reunion and I attended mine last year. You see how much other people and their lives have changed and realize how much time has passed. Ten years no longer seems like a long time, I guess no matter how much time we have on this earth, it will pass quickly. I think I have led a full life thus far, and don't plan on slowing down, but it has given me pause and made me reconsider my priorities. There is the saying that on one's deathbed one never wishes they had spent more time at work.
One of the things I was most worried about Missing the last semester of my Ph.D. program was that it means I will still be taking classes when Jake starts Kindergarten and I know how much more complicated it will make life then. Also, I thought we would be more settled by this point. I have always hoped that my children would be able to graduate from the same school system that they start Kindergarten in as I feel stability is very important for children. There are so many things that we have no control over, but this happens to be one that we do.
We originally settled on Tupelo. James works in Saltillo, the schools are good and there are lots of entertainment and educational opportunities. It is fairly close to quite a few major cities and not too far away from either set of grandparents. However, while it is close to James' work it is not close to mine and once the kids start school James will be the only one in the proximity of their school. I am the one with the more flexible schedule and so it makes more sense for the kids to go to school close to where I work.
When I taught in Fulton, I drove over from Tupelo and my mom met me at the school to pick up Jake and keep him and then I went to my parents' house after school and picked him up and drove back to Tupelo. It was less complicated than it is now and it worked well. I am teaching an online course at ICC in the hopes that when I am through with my Ph.D. I can get on fulltime there in Fulton. Starkville is about the same distance from Guntown as it is from Fulton, so it wouldn't make much difference in my commute to Starkville if we moved to Fulton. My parents have been a huge help to me in keeping the kids when I have to go to class or work and this will just make it easier for both of us. If I have a late class, my mom can pick the kids up from school. It eliminates a lot of the headache that I have now of keeping it all straight, who goes where when and who is picking who up.
It makes me nervous being out of town while they are at school. If something goes wrong or someone gets hurt, it takes me over an hour to get back to Tupelo. James' job is not very flexible and he is impossible to reach sometimes. It will ease my mind considerably to have my mom so close to help out. Despite the delays, there is an end in sight as far as my treks to Starkville are concerned. Once I am done with school, and hopefully on fulltime with ICC, I will be working in Fulton and that will make life even easier.
Also, there are many people in Fulton who remember Carrie. I don't often get the "are you an only child" question there because they know who she was. It would be nice for my kids to experience other people who knew her. It will help me to convey a sense of who she was to them.
After months of discussion we have decided to put our house on the market sometime in December or January. Once it sells, we will move into an apartment and build a house on land we recently looked at and hope to buy after Christmas. James will have to commute to work, but that is all he will have to do differently. He won't have to worry about being home at a certain time or picking kids up, etc which he currently finds stressful as he is not very conscious of time and sometimes forgetful. We have considered many other options and combinations of options, but we both have agreed this is the best option for us for the next 18 years. I don't feel that I can be the kind of mother that I want to be and work at a four year university with the added responsibilities. The past 8 years have gone by so quickly, I can only imagine how quickly the next 18 will go. Once Ali graduates high school, 18 year from now, I will be 46. That is still young enough to focus more intently on my career. I do not think I will regret taking a job at a community college, if it means that I am more free to spend time with my family.
It feels so strange though as our original plan did not even involve staying in Mississippi. It is surprising how much our lives have changed since the almost five years ago when Jake was born. But, it has been a pleasant surprise and I am certainly very happy with how things have turned out thus far.