No I have not quit!

Ben, our illustrious MTC (Mississippi Teacher Corps) coordinator, pointed out that it had been quite some time since I had blogged. I reminded him that we have only had two weekends off from class this semester and one of those I spent in Vicksburg for some stupid MAMLE conference (for middle schools). Last weekend was my only weekend off in over a month and I spent it mainly sleeping, so my point is that I have really not had a lot of time to blog. The free time I have had, has been spent attempting to grade papers, attempting to catch up on sleep, and attempting to work on my marriage (most people don’t realize that marriage is not a state of being but a process). Blogging has been at the bottom of my list priority wise. However, Ben pointed out that the title of my last blog was “When is Enough?” and that was on January 19^th so people might have thought I really had enough and finally quit! Not hardly (which is actually a double negative technically, but in this case conveys the meaning that I have not quit).

Taxman

Today I did our taxes and discovered that if I filed my usual 1040EZ then James and I would owe the United States Government over $1,500. Upon closer inspection of our W-2s we noticed that James had three exemptions. Because of this, only half as much was deducted from his check as mine, despite the fact that he made almost twice as much as I did! He thinks he claimed me as a dependent, but he has no idea what the other exemptions are about. It only took 20 minutes to fill out the 1040EZ form, but after seeing how much we owed we decided to fill out a standard 1040 so we could deduct some things and hopefully get out of paying so much. We bought TurboTax, which was tax deductible, and spent the day rummaging through the file cabinet and boxes looking for receipts. Luckily, moving expenses, $250 of crap I bought for my classroom and spent on my students brought us down to $931, but money spent to charitable organizations didn’t bring us down at all. This sort of makes me mad, as I am sure I could spend my money on better things than the government does. It is always easier to spend other peoples’ money than your own! However, it was curious that overall (State and Federal) we only paid about what it costs to educate one child in the state of Mississippi. I wonder where they get all the money for education from, no wonder they are in such a bind. I was upset to discover this weekend in Dr. Mullins’ class that over one-third of our state’s general fund comes from the 7% state sales tax and another third of the general fund comes from state income tax. This means ordinary employed, tax-paying citizens are contributing most of the money in the general fund, 70% not counting road taxes, licenses and fees. I guess I always assumed that business and casinos contributed more (Casinos only contribute 5% of the general fund). Fortunately Microsoft Excel told us that we can pay the full amount by the end of March and still have James’s school paid off by the end of April. Engineers love Excel, and yes, maybe I am a little bit jealous. However, I too am learning how to use Excel, thanks to Dr. Don’s class and so before to long I might be as proficient in it as James!

Testing, Testing 1,2,3…

In my school’s infinite wisdom they decided to place two first year teachers in charge of 7^th grade language arts, which means Evy and I are responsible for 3 state tests: a Writing Assessment on March 9^th, and a Reading Assessment and Language Assessment around the first week of May. I am really proud of how far my students’ writing skills have progressed since our first formal writing unit in the middle of October, but because of my students limited vocabulary I am worried that they will not understand the writing prompt. If they write off topic they automatically receive a zero! We have practiced addressing many prompts, and while they generally do well, I am often astounded at the prompts they misinterpret because they do not understand words like possessions, qualities, skills, product, etc. It is hard enough to teach seventh graders for 90 minutes every day, when their other classes (except math) are only 45 minutes long, but it is even harder when I am making them write for the entire 90 minutes. I try to break it up by writing as a class on the white boards (which I bought) with the dry erase markers (that I also bought—I am just a little bit upset that I spend so much on my job and only $250 of it is tax deductible), and by going to the computer lab and working on writing skills on a online program that our school subscribes to called MySkills Tutor. My students are impressed with my dedication to them, my writing ability, my reading speed and ability, my belief in them and my high expectations of them. As a result, I am having less discipline problems, but there are still bad days. One Friday was particularly hard because the math teacher left early and so the Social Studies teacher and the Career Discovery teacher let their kids and the math teacher’s kids go outside and play with the PE kids during 7^th and 8^th period. My kids were supposed to be working on writing because of our upcoming test on March 9^th, but they were so upset that “everyone else” was playing right outside our windows. My kids don’t understand why I don’t give them free days on Fridays and many of them don’t understand why I hold them to such high expectations.

Break on Through to the Other Side

I have had several break throughs here lately. Since we have started using MySkills Tutor they seem to enjoy learning much more than they did when I lectured out of an English book. I was glad to see them excited about learning, but beginning to feel like the program was doing a better job than I do. However, when my students come across words or concepts that they don’t understand they raise their hands and I try to explain it to them. Despite the three weeks we spent on modifiers, some of my students have no clue what a modifier is (or what a noun or pronoun is). I was beginning to wonder how these kids were ever going to pass the state tests when they can’t identify a pronoun in a sentence. I was very frustrated about this, when one of my low achievers raised his hand. I went over to help him and he said he didn’t understand dangling modifiers. As I started the standard lecture I had given the 13 other students so far who had asked the same question, he interrupted me and said, no, I understand what I modifier is, I just don’t understand what dangling means. He then proceeded to not only regurgitate all of my definitions of what modifiers are that I gave them the first 9 weeks and how to identify them and what they are used for, but he could successfully identify them in the sentences. After I explained what a dangling modifier was, he thanked me and said that I really knew how to break it all down. He then retook the practice lesson and made a 100 on it. This kid came to me from the 5^th grade, he is currently not passing my class (because he won’t do his work), he is definitely the last student that I would expect to have made me feel like a successful teacher. It was truly a remarkable moment in my teaching career.

As I stated earlier, I have also noticed some improvement in their writing. My heart swells with pride as I see some of them taking pride and enjoying their writing. Some of them have really grown under the encouragement I have given them, they are not used to being held to high standards and they are not used to having people believe in them. My homeroom has made tremendous progress toward their reading goals this 9weeks. For the first time all year, 3 of my students are already above their goal and all but 2 of my students are within range. This is about 300 times better than last semester. My kids are starting to believe in their own abilities and I hope this is something that won’t wear off when they leave me. I have had several teachable moments this 9 weeks for which I am grateful, however some students seem to be slipping farther away from my grasp. I have lost several students to expulsion, and while on one had I am glad that they are no longer disturbing me or the students that are trying to learn, I can’t help but wonder if I did everything I could have to help them.

A wake-up call

Despite the criminal records, associations and activities of some of my students, I naively have felt relatively safe. I have been pushed and cussed out, and all sorts of things, but I always try to remember that they are just children and I am an adult. I am normally pretty fearless and so I thought I was pretty safe. However last week I discovered that one of my students brought a gun to school. They did not discover that he had the gun until after he had already been in my homeroom. This particular young man is on papers, which means he has been arrested before (in his case for armed robbery) and is now on parole. However, nothing will happen to him because he managed to pass the gun off to one of Evy’s students who then went home early. He however, has not denied bringing it to school. The PE coach who called the cops on the boy was chewed out by the principal, because it was bad publicity for the school. This particular student (I hesitate to call him a child) is almost 16, and wrote and essay in my class about getting shot when he was 11 by some rival gang members. When I asked him about his essay he proudly showed me the scar. I asked him if he was scared, he said at the time yes, but now he is not afraid of anything. You can tell by the look in his eyes that this is true. However, strangely I am not scared that he had a gun in my room. In a weird way he respects me. Some students are behavioral anomalies in the way that they will actually behave in my room and act up in everyone else’s rooms. Most students will behave in the male teacher’s room because he lets them do whatever they want and they will behave in the science teacher’s room because they identify with her and she is physically and verbally abusive when they don’t. Most students tend to cause problems in the math teacher’s room and in my room. The students actually cause less trouble in the math teacher’s room because she does not keep detention and she is pretty lenient on behavior. When they get to my room I expect more out of them and I have stricter rules, so as a result I tend to also have more behavior problems. Plus, I am young and white so they see this as two reasons to try me. The funny thing is that because I have been enforcing my rules all year long I am actually starting to have less discipline problems than the other teachers on my team, which is nice for a change. Anyway, this over-aged student who brought the gun to my class, only does his work in my room. He has a 100 average for his reading grade and he completes his work in my room. I attribute this partially to the fact that I praise every single positive thing he does and because I give him candy when he makes 100s. It is just strange the kids I am able to reach and the kids that I am not able to reach. At the beginning of the year I would have never thought he would have been one of the students I was able to reach, but now it appears I am the only teacher this year he has that might have a chance to reach him. While it is unsettling that a student could bring a gun to school and go unnoticed for so long—you can’t live in fear of death, it comes to us all eventually. I will not back down, just because some people might not like me. I said in the beginning that if I could reach even one of them it would be worth it, I am now beginning to see that it is definitely worth it.

Bittersweet Birthdays

January 28^th would have been my sister Carrie’s 22^nd birthday. It was especially hard on me and has been another reason for my absence in blogging. I remember my 22^nd birthday; it was a month after she died. Every birthday since she died has been hard because I feel like I am leaving her further and further behind. I often think of what she would think of what I am doing now. Occasionally, I still have dreams that she is alive. When I wake up it is like loosing her all over again. Despite the painful discovery of reality upon waking I would rather see her in my dreams and suffer the consequences upon waking, than not see her at all.

This past year I began to feel my biological clock ticking. I am now at the age my father was when I was born, the age my mother-in-law had her first child, and my mother had two children by the time she was my age. My-twenty fourth birthday is fast approaching and I do not want to be thirty and trying to start a family. I want a rather large family, and James feels he is up to the task. James and I have been talking about expanding our family soon, and I hope in my children I might see some of Carrie. I hope that the parts of Carrie that are alive in me are passed down to my children. Perhaps one of my children will have her eyes, or her smile, or her wry humor. Of course, I hope they all look like James too. Then they will all be perfect!

Learning to live together!

With most of my weekends spent on college and most of my weekdays spent on my job, James was beginning to feel neglected and our house was beginning to be a real mess. James expressed unhappiness with the way our house was being kept. I listened to his complaints then realized that I too was unhappy with our arrangement. I used to keep such a clean house, with the exception of my room, which was always cluttered. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t keep this house clean and also why I don’t get as much accomplished now as I used to get accomplished before I met James. When we were talking about requirements for a new house, James expressed a desire to have a room of his very own where he could be clutter free. At first I was hurt, but then I realized that I desired the same thing. As much as I love James, I need my own space. I have ADD, which tends to lead to a different approach to life. James is my opposite in almost everyway and although that is why I am so attracted to him, I am surprised it has not caused more disturbances than it has. He needs at least one room completely clutter free and I need at least one room full of clutter. So in all my infinite wisdom, I decided we have two bedrooms and two bathrooms so we could each have a bedroom and a bathroom in our own fashion. James offered me the bigger room but I wanted to have my own things around me so I chose the spare bedroom. I keep my clothes in my room, my make-up in my room and my boxes of stuffed animals and papers from kindergarten all the way up to now. I can lay my papers on the floor without fear that James will throw them away or step on them. He can retreat into his nice neat room whenever he is overcome by clutter and I have found it easier to keep other areas of the house clean, which makes James happy and before he gets home I don’t wait around like a sick puppy. I can actually go to my own room, like I would have in high school or in early college and get my work done, until he gets home. He can shave and get water everywhere in his bathroom, and I can leave my make-up all over my bathroom! We have never been happier! We do not sleep in separate rooms, which is probably the secret to our success. Of course he has to invite me to his room every night because my room is such a mess!

So, how have I been dealing with all the stress?

Gran McLean says that McLeans like to have their wee moan. I, in addition to my wee moan, like a little wine. James and I recently discovered that you can buy rather decent wine in a box for almost half of the price that you can buy it in the bottle. After casually observing that almost all the crazy people we know either consume too much or too little wine, we have decided that it is a lot healthier than the drugs my colleagues are taking and probably a lot more effective. So have your own wine, and long may we all live!