Happy, Sad and Scared all at once.

Well it is almost 5 a.m. and I haven't slept yet. I finally got tired of laying in bed and came downstairs to try and do something more constructive, so I have been updating my blog. Today is the 4th Anniversary of my sister Carrie's death. It is also my big doctors' appointment. IThe condition that the doctor thinks caused me to loose the last two babies only seems to affect my body's ability to let the pregnancy establish itself. I was on aspirin therapy when I conceived this baby and a few weeks into the pregnancy to try and block my body's inflammotory immune system response and allow the pregnancy to implant firmly. I don't seem to have problems with my antibody numbers getting so high that clots are forming, so so far so good. I entered my fourth month of pregnancy Saturday. I really think everything is okay this time and everytime I start to worry the baby gives me a good resounding kick. The first two ultrasounds showed considerable growth (more than an average pregnancy in the 8 days between scans) and so my doctor isn't too worried because if the placenta had not attached correctly it would be more than likely causing interuterine growth retardation (small baby for dates). Today is basically to check the function of the placenta (count the veins/artery and see how they are functioning) and to check the baby's development. It is just an added bonus that I might get to find out the baby's gender if he/she cooperates. I honestly couldn't care either way if it is a boy or a girl. I just want to see a healthy baby tomorrow. I have my suspicions about what it is, but that is just based on my pregnancy so far compared to that of Jake and the last baby (who we are pretty sure was a girl). The baby is what it is and later today hopefully I will know what is going on and what isn't going on. I try to schedule my doctors' appointments on Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon, so that it fits around our work schedules and James (and Jake) can come along. When the receptionist was making the apointment she asked if I could come on the 4th of June. I asked what day that was on and she said it was a Monday (the roughest day for us to schedule anything) so I told her no, that I would really prefer a Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon. She said the first thing she had available was the next Wednesday. I said okay and so she filled out the card, handed me the paperwork and said see you on the 13th. I froze on my way out the door. I definitely did not want to deal with the emotional toil of having this appointment on that day, but I felt silly canceling after all the trouble I had been already. So I just told myself I would handle it. Easier said than done. Later this morning I am going to drop Jake off at the nursery and have coffee with some women from church (well I probably won't actually be drinking coffee, but they will) so at least I won't be sitting around waiting to go to the appointment. Then when I am done there, Jake and I go straight to pick James up at work and drive to our appointment (45 minutes away). The appointment is at 1:30 and they normally do the ultrasound first. I will probably be there a long time as they have waited until now to do any of the real pregnancy related stuff--full exam, blood work, etc. Until now all they have been doing is checking the baby via ultrasound and doppler (heartrate), weighing me, and in the beginning checking my blood every three days to see how things were progressing and how my body was responding. In my heart I know things are fine with this baby, it is just so hard not to worry. When important things happen in my life that I should be 100% happy about, they are more bittersweet now than happy. I really miss my sister and miss sharing these things with her. I can't believe it has been 4 years already. She would now be 24. That is how old I was when Jake was born. I can't help but wonder what she would be doing now...