Uncomfortably Numb

I started cramping around 3 pm yesterday, but I kept telling myself it would go away or it was my stomach or something. I kept checking for blood and there wasn't any so I kept trying to stay positive. Around six p.m. brown spotting and clots started, but my cervix was not dilated. I called Nurselink, a 24 hour hot line with the hospital here and she told me to go straight to the emergency room. I called a baby sitter and called James, whom I was supposed to pick up from the airport in a few hours, and left for the emergency room. I have never felt more alone and scared in my life. I have never been to the emergency room here so I parked in outpatient and walked all the way around the building until I found it. They admitted me, did an internal exam, a blood sample, a urine sample and a very long detailed ultrasound. Every thing looked fine, the baby's heart was still beating and everything was in the right place just as it had been on Wednesday. They looked for a possible second pregnancy in my tubes, a cyst on my ovaries, anything else to explain what was going on, but they couldn't find anything. Even though they kept telling me we were still in the game and everything was fine I just knew that it wasn't. My cramps were getting more painful and frequent instead of dying down. I was so shocked to hear the doctor say that the baby's heart was still beating. I almost wish he hadn't because now I feel like it was my body's fault, that there wasn't anything wrong with the baby. He assured me that it is pretty rare to miscarry a living embryo or fetus once they have developed a healthy heart, that most miscarriages happen because the baby has died or quit developing. They sent me home with a long list of instructions. I made it to the airport to pick up James and was only 20 minutes late because his plane had been delayed in Atlanta. I told him on the way home that if I was going to lose the baby I would rather it be tonight when I knew he would be here with me, and that is how it happened. As soon as we got home I paid the baby sitter and went straight to the bathroom. Now the blood was red and within few minutes I passed the baby. It was recognizable from its ultrasound picture. There was no mistaking what it was. I called the emergency room back and told them and asked if I had to come back now (I really didn't want to go anywhere). My nurse was great. She had a tubal pregnancy last month and she sat there and cried with me and told me she was praying for me. She came to the phone and told me under what conditions I absolutely HAVE to return. I couldn't sleep last night because the cramping was so intense and I am still cramping and passing clots right now although it is finally dying down. I folded the baby in a tissue and we put it in a zip lock bag and froze it. I don't know if my doctor will need to see it or test it, but it felt wrong just flushing it down the toilet. I am glad that if it had to happen, it happened on a day when James was here.

I am glad that I have such a wonderful and perfect little miracle walking around trying to cheer mama up. I think going through this has made me realize, even more than I thought I did, how amazingly complicated the whole process can be. I am very glad that I got to see and hear the heartbeat at my doctors appointment on Wednesday. When they did the ER ultrasound I did not get to see or hear anything. I am glad that I have the memory of seeing the little healthy heartbeat that belonged to Baby Carr #2 and that I have a picture to remember him/her by. I am glad that I have such a supportive family. James' mom keeps calling and checking on me and I had a really nice talk with my mom this afternoon. It really is just hard for me to talk right now, because I start crying so hard I can't breathe. I have so much to be happy for and I am trying to focus on that right now, but it is not very easy. Maybe my doctor will have some answers for me. Right now I think I am just in shock. When I woke up this morning I still had morning sickness. It is just hard to believe and accept that it is over.