Uncomfortably Numb

I started cramping around 3 pm yesterday, but I kept telling myself it would go away or it was my stomach or something. I kept checking for blood and there wasn't any so I kept trying to stay positive. Around six p.m. brown spotting and clots started, but my cervix was not dilated. I called Nurselink, a 24 hour hot line with the hospital here and she told me to go straight to the emergency room. I called a baby sitter and called James, whom I was supposed to pick up from the airport in a few hours, and left for the emergency room. I have never felt more alone and scared in my life. I have never been to the emergency room here so I parked in outpatient and walked all the way around the building until I found it. They admitted me, did an internal exam, a blood sample, a urine sample and a very long detailed ultrasound. Every thing looked fine, the baby's heart was still beating and everything was in the right place just as it had been on Wednesday. They looked for a possible second pregnancy in my tubes, a cyst on my ovaries, anything else to explain what was going on, but they couldn't find anything. Even though they kept telling me we were still in the game and everything was fine I just knew that it wasn't. My cramps were getting more painful and frequent instead of dying down. I was so shocked to hear the doctor say that the baby's heart was still beating. I almost wish he hadn't because now I feel like it was my body's fault, that there wasn't anything wrong with the baby. He assured me that it is pretty rare to miscarry a living embryo or fetus once they have developed a healthy heart, that most miscarriages happen because the baby has died or quit developing. They sent me home with a long list of instructions. I made it to the airport to pick up James and was only 20 minutes late because his plane had been delayed in Atlanta. I told him on the way home that if I was going to lose the baby I would rather it be tonight when I knew he would be here with me, and that is how it happened. As soon as we got home I paid the baby sitter and went straight to the bathroom. Now the blood was red and within few minutes I passed the baby. It was recognizable from its ultrasound picture. There was no mistaking what it was. I called the emergency room back and told them and asked if I had to come back now (I really didn't want to go anywhere). My nurse was great. She had a tubal pregnancy last month and she sat there and cried with me and told me she was praying for me. She came to the phone and told me under what conditions I absolutely HAVE to return. I couldn't sleep last night because the cramping was so intense and I am still cramping and passing clots right now although it is finally dying down. I folded the baby in a tissue and we put it in a zip lock bag and froze it. I don't know if my doctor will need to see it or test it, but it felt wrong just flushing it down the toilet. I am glad that if it had to happen, it happened on a day when James was here.

I am glad that I have such a wonderful and perfect little miracle walking around trying to cheer mama up. I think going through this has made me realize, even more than I thought I did, how amazingly complicated the whole process can be. I am very glad that I got to see and hear the heartbeat at my doctors appointment on Wednesday. When they did the ER ultrasound I did not get to see or hear anything. I am glad that I have the memory of seeing the little healthy heartbeat that belonged to Baby Carr #2 and that I have a picture to remember him/her by. I am glad that I have such a supportive family. James' mom keeps calling and checking on me and I had a really nice talk with my mom this afternoon. It really is just hard for me to talk right now, because I start crying so hard I can't breathe. I have so much to be happy for and I am trying to focus on that right now, but it is not very easy. Maybe my doctor will have some answers for me. Right now I think I am just in shock. When I woke up this morning I still had morning sickness. It is just hard to believe and accept that it is over.

Baby Carr: The Sequel

I got to see and hear the heartbeat. The baby was easy to find. I didn't post the whole ultrasound pic, just cropped off the rest. Everything looks good. I know it is just a grainy looking clump of cells, but I am already in love with him/her. In 10-12 more weeks they will do another ultrasound to determine, among other things, if it is a him or a her. It is amazing how much the baby will grow between now and then. I love my new doctor. The appointment was at three and I didn't get back from Amory until about 6:30. It has been an emotional day. I really, really miss James right now. It seemed strange him not being there today. They also did a blood test to make sure I am not reacting to Jake's chicken pox, but they are pretty sure it won't be a problem. It is just a precaution my doctor is taking. I am exhuasted. I think Jake is too, but he has switched into high gear to make up for it. Hopefully he will sleep good tonight so that I can sleep good tonight too. James comes home Friday. He flies in at 7:45! I know I will sleep better this weekend at least. Well, it is time to put the Jake to bed.

Just for fun go to the archives and click on April 2005 to see Jake at the same stage!

MORE MONKEY POX!!

A little less than two weeks after having his chicken pox vaccination, Jake came down with a mild case of the chicken pox. He is not feeling good at all. He is lethargic (went to bed almost two hours early last night), not very hungry and fussy fussy. He even has the cough. The break out is worse in his diaper area, so changing him is like surgery without anesthesia (to hear him scream anyway). Hopefully it will go away soon. He has had them for a few days now, but it took awhile to put it all together. Poor Baby!

Fun with Mama!

Jake and I had fun with his bath paints. I didn't read the label well enough. I read that it was non toxic, etc and then quit reading. Turns out it stains porous surfaces (ie skin) so I had to really scrub him to get it off least he have blue bruise looking marks all over his body. I am sure that would merit some funny looks at the grocery store! Jake didn't mind the scrubbing and he quickly resumed his normal color. Maybe he has a future on Broadway or in IBM commercials with the Blue Man group?

He is my child! Even if he doesn't look anything like me. Yes, Jake is eating an orange peel. He like the inside or an orange too, he just enjoys snacking on the outside while he unpatiently waits for me to peel it. He holds a segment in his hand and chews/sucks all the juice out of it. Then he bring me back the pulpy bit (his daddy doesn't like the pulp either)! At least he doesn't through it on the floor! He has also been known to eat lemons (I have been known to do that since and early age as well). No I don't mean, a slice in water. I mean eat them like an orange!

I wasn't feeling well Saturday morning and so I was laying on the couch. I guess I should say I was trying to lay on the couch, because I kept getting tackled by a little monkey. He can get on and off the couch no problem and he loves to climb all over me. Knees and Elbows once again being used as weapon like they were so many months ago in utero!

Even though Mama is a lot of fun. He still misses his Daddy. Here he is calling James last night!

Family Resemblance.

Here you can see the strong family resemblance between Jake and his Uncle John! Actually, Jake just likes wearing his sunglasses as night and John is having lasic surgery. What is sad is that Jake is wearing my sunglasses. He has a BIG head for a baby!

Publish

Our Family in 2007!

This picture was taken Sunday, January 7th, right before I took James to the airport. He is on a business trip in Pennsylvania. He will be gone until the beginning of March, but he gets to come home to Jake and me every other weekend. One the positive side this trip might translate into a promotion for James. We will have to see. Shortly before he left on this trip James got his notification in the mail that he passed his Fundamentals of Engineering (State Licensing) Exam. I am very proud that he did it the first time. That is quite an accomplishment! Yesterday he drove to Niagra Falls. It sounds like he had fun, and he said he took lots of pictures.
Jake and I miss James a lot. My neighbor said, "Your like a single mom for two months." That is exactly how I feel right now. And like most single moms, I have moved back home. Well, not full time, but Jake and I are making a BUNCH of trips back and forth and we are spending the night over there frequently. I have been wondering if Jake realizes what is going on. He gets really excited whenever the phone rings and says, "Dada?" I have caught him calling James with my phone twice! This morning he called Da Da all by himself. I was laying on the couch and he was sitting on the floor in front of me playing with the phone. I thought he was just pretending to talk to someone (he does that sometimes) but then I heard James' voice. Last night James called right before Jake went to sleep and Jake heard his voice (he was cuddling on my chest), he started grabbing at the phone, but then James said he needed to call me back in ten minutes and hung up. Jake started crying. I felt so bad. I let him stay up until James called us back and he went to sleep just fine after that.
At the end of this term in May, I will resign my position and be a full time stay at home mama! I am very excited about this. I am also going to take this time off to work on my writing. Hopefully I can get some freelance assignments. I am in the process of finishing an online course through Ole Miss on parenting the first 5 years. I haven't really learned anything yet. It has been a nice refresher survey, since it has been a few years since I took any child development courses (and then I didn't have children so I didn't pay attention as closely as I should).
We are planning to purchase a home sometime this spring. We have been looking for a few months now but we have additional incentive. For my new years' resolutions I plan on gaining (and then loosing) 20-35 lbs, giving up alcohol and cutting back on caffeine. That's right! This year we are planning on adding a fourth member to our little family. The tentative date for this is September 8th, 2007. This Wednesday is our first ultrasound so then we will know more. Already this pregnancy is very different than mine with Jake. So anyway I have a documented reason to be tired and moody. I really really miss having James here with me to comfort me and take care of me like he did during the pregnancy with Jake. I know he is upset about missing the first ultrasound, but he will be home a few days later for his first weekend back.
Well Jake just found me in here on the computer. He was playing nicely with the dryer. Now he is saying "Debaahh ahh ahh." He has one hand in his mouth, so I am assuming he has decided he wants to eat his breakfast after all. It has taken me a whole week to right this. I get to type a few lines and then I have to save it. It might be a while before I can reply to e-mails, blog anymore, myspace, etc. It is part of that single parent thing I guess. I will try and post a short update Wednesday after the ultrasound. Here's hoping for a healthy bi-pole embryo tube with nice limb buds and a heartbeat! Until then, duty calls...

PS James has nicknames this one "rice nugget", for those of you that remember Jake was "peanut lizard."

Signs of the Season

I thought these pictures were pretty. James took them from our house. I like the way the fog makes the lights glow. It almost looks like the whole place is on fire.

I guess Cinderella got home a little late last night. I took this picture about one week before Christmas. Isn't it disgusting (it is my neighbor's, mine are long gone).

Jake at 13.5 months.

Some good pictures of Jake (especially of his eight teeth)!

He is smiling so big that you can actually see down his throat in this picture!

Jake tries to give us a closer look at his teeth. Look at those big blue eyes.

Jake ate a lot of the fruit and gelatin and then proceeded to try and pick up the leftovers and put them back in his little bowl.

Jake in his room.

Super Baby! I love these PJs. The dinosaurs glow in the dark! When Jake's bib gets turned around backward we call him Super Baby. Above he is chewing on a sock (clean of course) from a laundry container we keep his socks and bibs in under his crib. Below, he uses his super human strength to throw the diaper bag around. Of course it isn't that heavy after he has pulled all of the stuff out of it!

At his one year doctor's appointment Jake was 24lbs and 32.5 inches tall! He now wears 24 month or 2T clothes, but 3-5T socks, shoes, hats, and gloves. His height and head size are both in the 97 percentile for his size. His weight is around the 70th percentile. He is tall and slender like his dad and, just like with James, it is hard to find clothes to fit him! Although his height puts him in the 2T category, his weight isn't enough to hold them up all of the time. It really depends on what brand of clothing it is as to whether it will fit him or not! His waist size is closer to the 18 month old range. He can still wear most of his 18 month old clothes from Old Navy and some from J.C. Penny. I think their sizes run longer or something. So I constantly have the problem of having to keep pulling his pants up all day or having to pull them down to keep his legs from showing! I am considering starting to alter the waist in some of his stuff, but where would I find the time?

Jake can speak around 11 real words. He doesn't speak them often as he has invented his own language as you might have seen from the video on my mom's blog. He is very vocal and very entertaining. James and I just sit around and watch him in the evenings as he babbles away. He really likes playing games with us as well. He will run away from us and then wait on us to come get him. He really likes to run away from James and come climb on me as if I am going to save him. He gets really excited about the whole thing and screaches and squeals at us in his made up language! He likes other babies, which might come in really good soon!
As you can tell from videos on my mom's blog and pictures, he has been walking really good since about a week after his birthday. He can also do pretty well with stairs (supervised of course).
He is a very loving baby and gives me the sweetest hugs. It is nice to know that he appreciates my company. I am constantly amazed at how big he is, how fast he is growing and developing and how smart he is. He is really good at figuring things out. Every button has to be pushed, every container dumped out (and refilled). He love electronic things. He constantly makes a dash for the computer which he tries to type on. He also like to pull the camara memory card out of the front of the computer. Our on and off switch is encircled in a blue light and he just loves that!
I am sure that there are many things I am probably leaving off. If I think of anything really important I will edit it in later.

Disclaimer:
Well I meant to post this a month and a half ago, but as you may have noticed I am backlogged on pictures right now. Our new camara comes with a even larger memory card than our old one but they both work in the new camara. So this past month we have had three hundred million pictures from two different camaras on two huge camara cards so sometimes it gets confusing as to what pictures from when are where. Most of these pictures are now at least a month old, but oh well!

The Fourth and Final Round of Christmas

Jake posing at James' Uncle Don and Aunt Yvonne's house in Adamsville, TN.

Above, James helps Jake open presents. Below, from left to right, kneeling on the floor: Emily (5yrs old), Lauren (almost 5yrs old), Hadyn (turned 2 on New Year's Day) and Hadyn's mother Christy.

More of James and Jake opening presents.

These last two pictures I accidently posted out of order. In the bottom picture you can see Jake fussing at James while James is trying to get the bus out of the box. Above you can see Jake happily playing with the bus.

Christmas with my Parents!

Here Jake and I open a truck he got from Uncle James and Aunt Carolyn.

Jake poses in front of his toddler bowling set and various other toys in the background.

Jake and I unwrap some more presents.

Jake poses in front of more toys!

I knew the day would come when James would be envious of Jake's Christmas presents, but I didn't realize it would be this soon! Below, Jake's Granny is being a block head!

Christmas with the Carrs!

Jake says, "This is my Grand Daddy."

Above, Jake with James' mom. Below, Jake with me.

Jake and I open his presents.

Below, Jake and Joey the Cat.

Above Jake and James' first cousin Emily. Below, Jake with his great grandfather Carr.

Christmas Time at our house!

Jake liked opening his advent calendar. He enjoyed shutting it even more. Everyday we would open that days door and he would promptly close it for me. Then he would sit there and close it and open it over and over again. He never tried to open a door that I hadn't already opened though, so that was good!

Jake loves the Christmas tree. He would stand on the couch and lean over to play with the ornaments and lights! I would let him touch but he wasn't allowed to pull.

An older lady at church gave Jake some bubbles for Christmas.

Here Daddy! Catch the snow globe!

For Christmas Jake got some bath toys (among three million other things). Here he is playing with the paint/soap and one of his new bath monkies.

One of these sheep is not like the other! They both go with his Fisher Price Little People Nativity Scene (with in retrospect might not have been the best idea as Jake's favorite way to play with it was to throw the baby Jesus). As you can see one sheep has wooley hair on top and the other is sadly lacking. Our wonderful little angel chewed the hair off of the first sheep so we had to restrict his sheep privileges to save the hair on the second one. I was relieved when we finally figure out what was going on because I kept pulling this carpet looking stuff out of Jakes mouth. I thought he had found a way to pull up the carpet and eat it!

Our little drummer boy. With the birthday money that Uncle Robert, Aunt Anne Marie, Marianne and Shona sent we bought Jake a percussion set. This is the drum that goes with it. He loves beating on it!